blood is thicker than water

It's amazing the way that other people's decisions can turn your life on a dime.  

How thoughtless, greedy actions can effect so many people.  

Everything you've worked for means nothing.

Then, 

There are those who will risk their entire life for you

Without being asked to.  

Those who will band together with you

Look to the future

and know that we are brothers. 
 

Although I cannot see your face...

...Somewhere from some far-off place

I hear you laughing --- and I smile.


oh it's THAT time of year again...
fall, my favorite.  
I don't even realize it's here
and I remember that year

Busy.

The stress of school, two jobs, a new marriage

Sickness.  


There were so many other good fall-times
Pumpkins, football, leaves
chilly breezes pushing out the summers heat.


Every pumpkin I cut, every seed I scrape
Every toss of the ball to my children
Every leaf I watch carelessly float to the grass


unaware it's time had ended


I remember.  


(don't let ONE good seed go to waste!)

 

dreams

I have always been a vivid dreamer.  This has been passed down from my mother, but before her, who knows.  I seem to have passed it to my daughter, at least.  There are dreams I remember from childhood, nightmares so real that I awoke panting and short of breath.  Times when the dream was so real, I wasn't sure whether the touch I just felt was in my head. While pregnant, I dreamed of my babies.  In grief, I have dreamed of my loved ones.  

Yesterday, I had a discussion with my 86 year old grandmother, who agreed with me when I said that I did not want to be 130 years old. She said she was ready, whenever God said it was time.  

Later that evening, We discovered a friend at school has been diagnosed with Acute lymphoblastic leukemia.  

The tone of this dream was not sad, or melancholy; I knew we were going to die soon, and it was ok.  We got our affairs in order, writing our will, and sort of goofing off to pass time.  I got in a car driven by my mother and while driving, a reckless car passed us, then caused us to spin and flip.  I felt as though I was excited.  "This is it!" Like a gift had been promised and was finally coming to fruition.  I felt a sharp pain in my lower abdomen, and wondered why it hurt, as if I had been told it wouldn't.  Then, silence; darkness (or, in reality, grayness), as if a plug had been pulled.  I felt a little apprehensive for a moment, and began to be lifted upward, sliding slowly in my blindness.  

I awoke (in reality) to the feeling of being lifted...as if I were lifted right into consciousness.  I still felt the slight apprehensiveness of the unknown.  

This is the second dream I have had when I die in a car crash.  Though slightly different, the grayness was similar, and the "plug" effect was the same.  In the previous dream, I awoke very upset, because I was unable to tell Maddie that I loved her (she was in the car as well), and not to be afraid.   

While I wrote this, I realized the similarities of my dreams.  I had chalked last night's dream up to the events of the day.  

Now...what.

Oh no!

According to my bestie, she can no longer actually GO TO my blog.  Not that I'm writing anything of substance, but can anyone else get to it?  I did change the name, so maybe... update with my new name? 

remembered...forgot

This summer, I have been cataloging and capturing the moments on "film"...at least, I've been taking a lot of pictures.  So I haven't had a need to write...

Two nights ago, something formed in my mind.  A whole, concise flowing... something.  'Cause I forgot.  I hope I remember. 

The Sacrificing of the Race Virgins



Me, Cheryl, Ben and Maddie after the race.



At the beginning of this year (NOT a resolution.  I don't make those), I decided to make some changes in my lifestyle for health purposes.  A few friends had done the Couch to 5K program with success in weight loss and in strength.  I was unsure for myself, having never run before (and having been the kid who cheats during gym class and says I've run 4 laps when I've really run 3), but I figured that I didn't have anything to lose, except, well, maybe weight. 

The program is done over 9 weeks, starting with intervals that are more walking than running.  I decided that my "goal" was to not only finish the program, but to compete in a 5k race when I was finished. 

I started in January, an optimal time in which to start running in Michigan.  Luckily, I have a treadmill, but I was worried about running outside for the actual race.  I found one that would give me enough training time, plus some for outside training.  April 30.  That MY day.  

I blazed through the C25K, having only a few "bad" runs, and never having to repeat a week.  At 6 weeks, you are scheduled to run for 20 minutes straight.  A feat I had never accomplished.  When I got near the end and was losing steam, Ryan said to me, "You pushed out three babies with no drugs!  You can run a measly 20 minutes!" And I could.  At that moment, I realized my body was STRONG.  It had done some amazing things, even when I didn't think I was strong. 

After completing the program, I ran outside a few times.  Unfortunately, this was the coldest start of Spring in, oh, EVER, and continued to snow well into April.  I started to panic.  When I was able to really begin training outside, I realized that my neighbor and surrounding areas were HILLY.  Now, I obviously had noticed this before, especially when I moved here at 15.  I had been an avid biker in my old town, biking practically everywhere.  In Romeo?  Solid hills. All up.  It is NOT easy to do.  I got a little discouraged.  Race day Loomed. 

All along, I had dealt with this little shin "issue".  But as soon as I started running outside, it got bad.  The day after one particularly long run I couldn't walk.  So I spent the (insane amount of) money to get new shoes.  Two weeks before my race.  So I had break in a new pair of shoes, heal my shin splints and train for a race, all at the same time, all seemingly counterproductive. 

The day before the race I went to pick up my race packet.  I wasn't sure what to do and I didn't want to look like an idiot.  I was a Race Virgin, after all!  But fortunately, almost all of the runners I have encountered have been MORE than helpful in getting me started.  They all seem to want to have another one in their ranks.  I was nervous about my shin and my shoes.  I didn't sleep that night. 

Our entire family got up at 6 am (amazing for Maddie, let me say.  With NO complaining.  This is how I know she loves me).  We got ready and Cheryl drove over to join us.  My mother-in-law was a Race Virgin too, so we decided to do it together.  It was a clear, bright, COLD morning.  We were a little unsure about where to be for the start of the race, but The Race was a virgin too, this was all very new. 

They sang the national anthem, we started slowly toward the large red balloon starting line.  And then; we were running. 

It was crowded at first, but we passed some and were passed by others.  Soon we got into an even pace.  I was amazed at how easy it could be when you weren't winded after the first quarter mile due to hills.  We ran some, we walked some.  It felt amazing to see all those people with the common goal, a common struggle, striving for the same finish line.  Cheryl and I made it all the way together, ending at 36:02. 

I had no time 'goal', I just wanted to get through it.  I knew I could, and the nagging doubts in my head were silly.  Yes, my shin hurt.  My shoes were fine.  I didn't die. 

I want to do it again!

In the quiet of this new spring morning

         Nature is awakening.

Sounds of life where cold darkness reigned.

The night rains have washed away all traces of Winter

The wind and thunder hastening its departure.
Trees are remembering their purpose,
Yellow buds push thier heads though half-frozen earth,
  Demanding attention.
Reminding us of the promise of renewal.