First Fruits

My garden has finally started to produce, though we have had a few peas and beans. Yellow pear tomatoes, beefmaster tomatoes, dill, rosemary and a pepper

My makeshift mortar and pestle, with olive oil, rosemary and dill.  I don't usually like Rosemary, but it the aroma of the herb was so intense and amazing.  I have never smelled it like that before!

Pepper. It smelled so sweet!

Red, white and purple potatoes (store bought), onions, yellow pear tomatoes and the pepper, drizzled with olive oil and kosher salt.  Rack of lamb with white pepper, kosher salt and the rosemary/dill/oil rubbed on the inside.

mmmmm

Life goes by...

...so quickly.  In two days it will be August, and the last month before school starts again.  I was bound and determined to DO things this year, and so far I am doing really well.  We have Zoo'd,

Farm'd, Playground'd, Splash Park'd,

Had a concert,

 had a baptism,

  Vacationed at the beach,

 swam at the pool,

 visited with family,

went to vacation bible school,  gone to too many birthday parties to count and had a few of our own...WHEW~ Today we visited the Stony Creek Nature Center, which was very different from the LAST time we were there when Maddie was 3 and Ben was 0.We went with Sara and Michael and William and saw a snapping turtle eat goldfish. Ben said "He ate them and RIPPED them apart and parts of the fishies were FLOATING!".  Then we went on a walk and fed the fish pretzels.  Maddie, Ben and Michael put their hands together and shouted "Bird Watchers!" except Michael shouted "ROCK STAR!!"

I am watching all of my children grow by leaps and bounds in the past 6 weeks.  Maddie turned 6.  She is tall and elegant with her golden tan and sun-blonded hair.  For her birthday she told me to "surprise her" and when Grammy asked her what she would like, she said, "You always get me such nice things, whatever you pick is fine".  

Ben is...Ben. He is constantly in motion. He love his baby brother with his teeth bared.  Literally.  Like he has so much love he can't hold it in.  Scares me a little!  He is tanner than I'll EVER be and always has to be "Mario" when they play an imagination "Game".  He can write his name and recognise many letters.  He CANNOT wait to go to school. 

Owen is growing steadily, though he is my smallest baby at 14 lbs, 1 oz as of July 16.  I think he grew last night, though because he feels heavier.  He has rolled over and can grab things and SHOVE them in his mouth.  He still has a mohawk.  He love to eat and to have attention paid to him.  His giggles are like fuel for my tired brain.  He mostly sleeps through the night, and I am the most blessed mamma ever.

I'm glad I write these things down. I probably won't remember what we did next summer!  I'm also glad I write a journal for each of them.  It helps me recall those funny things that I didn't remember and hopefully, one day, we can sit down and share the memories. 

My Garden

As a child, one of the most exciting times of the year was getting the garden ready with my dad.  We'd toil in the dirt, go to the nursery for plants, get them in the ground and then waterwaterwater until harvest.  We had oodles of tomatoes and cucumbers.  Farther back, we helped Grandpa in his garden, picking raspberries (watch out for the bees!) and other things he had in a small garden in his backyard in Warren.  This is the first year I'm planting my own, with the exception of a few potted plants on the deck at the condo.  Oddly enough, I came across a picture of the "first" tomato I ever picked from my own little potted garden.  The date on the picture is July 22, 2003, one year to the day before my first real baby was born.

These are some pictures of my little garden at home, built with love by ryan for mother's day.

Tomatoes

We have a ton of animals...so far so good

Yellow pear tomatoes

Onions

Peas

peppers

These were here when we moved in, I'm not sure what they are.

Making my way back to Me

This last pregnancy dragged me to the depths.  I counted every second until he was born, and practically did nothing else.  Tick Tock. It consumed me.  Everything suffered. My children, my home, my relationships. I wasn't me.  I was The Incubator.  Don't get me wrong, My baby was one of the most important things on earth to me, but somewhere along the way I put Me down to carry the weight of the baby. 

Now that Owen is here, we've developed a routine and settled in, I need to find Me again.  This weekend, during a rare moment out with my husband he said he missed "You and Me".  I replied that I wasn't sure there was a Me anymore.  Then I decided to find Her.

This seems like a selfish attitude, but it's not. This is for him, for Maddie and Ben and Owen.  There's a book called "If Mama Goes South, We're All Going with Her", and thats what I feel has happened. I need to get back to the place where God intends me to be, on the ball, under control, able to cope.  I'm not there right now.

But I'm working on it.  I have never been a very motivated person.  Some would call me lazy.  But in my heart, I HATE having a messy house.  I just don't know where to start.  So Yesterday, I made a list (I love lists).  I worked hard and got most of my stuff done.  It also helped that the kids were angels.  I tried to give myself slack for not completing everything.  I do have a few (three) things that get in the way, and demand attention (every three hours for 25 minutes), so my conditions are not ideal.  I am Not Perfect.  I cannot Do Everything.  I will Stay Motivated.  (I need a Nap). 

I continued today and my kitchen is clean.  I give myself small goals, last week I tried to keep one side of my counter completely cleared off.  (not an easy feat, we have an insanely small area of counter space).  This week it's both sides of the sink.  I'm trying to keep the small counter cleaned off too, but I won't "require" it of myself for a few days.  It's clean now because of a party, and I'm trying to keep it that way. 

I'm also working on my body.  Three kids and stretchmarks up to my eyeballs later, I'm NOT happy.  Trying clothes on this weekend put me thisclose to tears.  Today is the first day of a new challenge for me.  But I have issues, nursing requires more calories,and any type of jumping is practically out of the question, unless I duct tape my breasts down.  Time is also an issue, chasing the big kids and having Owen gives me long enough to do about 7 minutes of anything.  But I'm gonna try, I'm gonna do my best.

Lastly, I'm focusing on my spirit.  Both my spiritual self, and the relationship with God, (which has also been lacking, though I do a LOT of praying right now) and my own spirit, who I  am.  I got a Kindle for my birthday, and I love it.  I am an information seeker. I read voraciously, and now is not the best time to have any time to fill the space.  I need to read.  Though I still love to hold the pages in my hand, smell the ink on the pages, the Kindle allows me to turn pages with one hand, balance it on my knee, hold my place.  In a few days, I've read a ton already, and feeling more stimulated by it. I can read 5 or 6 books at a time (as I am prone to do) and not chase them down when I want them. 

I have taken my Bible out of my car (for small group! I always forget it, so I leave it in there) and opened it up next to me.  Pastor Tim suggested Ps. 139 23-24, and I'm going to take it to heart, seeking to be led when He wants me to go. 

I worry that I'm trying to do too many things at once.  But I hope I can make it without getting too frustrated in the set-backs.  The timing is good; summer started, new year for me, I feel fresh.  Time to get started.

Mothers Prayer

Dear God, Thank you for this day.
Thank You for all my comforts; all I have is by Your hand.
Grant me patience, creativity, grace, laughter, and the ability to handle the responsibilities You have given me.
Thank You for the tiny hands and the tiny hearts that You have entrusted me with.
Bless my struggles, Lord. I know they only strengthen me.
Ease my fears when my inadequacy and inability overwhelm me.
Thank You for the gifts of Love I receive every day. Through them, I am better able to know the Love You have for me.
Guide my path, use my words and actions, let it be all for you.
Amen 

The Rocking Chair

My mom and her husband are moving.  Well, less moving than an extended working vacation.  She is following him around at his new job, which is located in Texas, then Vegas, then California; for now. My mother lives with few material possessions, she lives lightly and is packing up her belongings for storage for when she returns in the future.  She asked me to take two pieces of furniture that she didn't want to put into storage, a hope chest of her grandmother on her father's side, and a rocking chair from her mother's mother.      

Jim brought over the chair today and I put it in Owen's room, because I don't have a chair to rock him in.  I have sat in this chair many times, most recently last week at mom's house.  But today, in my house, with my child, I had a thought.  I wondered if my grandmother ever thought her great granddaughter would be rocking her great-great grandson in this chair? 

I knew my great-grandmother Throckmartin, the first Mary (that I know of).  She was over 40 when she had my grandmother, the second Mary, but she lived to be 95.  Oddly enough, grandma Mary Alice died when she was only 59.  I remember Great-grandma pushing me in her wheelchair (that she didn't really need) at the nursing home.  According to my grandfather, she was not a pleasant woman, but to me, she was a tiny old woman who lived in a tall building and couldn't hear when she took her hearing aids out. I don't really know much about her, born Mary Plafchan around 1896, married in 1919 to Andrew Kubina, had Jennie and Andy.  Her first husband died, and in her 40's, married Roy Throckmartin a police officer originally from Indiana.  I have a feeling that she was not thrilled to be pregnant with my grandma. 

But I think of her as a woman my age, with a young daughter, a baby son.  Did she rock her baby as she nursed him and look deep into his eyes, imagining his future? Were the strains of motherhood making her tired?  The '20's weren't an easy time to be a mother, handwashing diapers, clothes, cooking with no modern conveniences.  I think I have it hard now, but I'm sure any mom back then would be in heaven if she were in my shoes. 
This Grandma is the first, while my daughter is the fifth "Mary".  My mom was called "little" Mary, my grandma Mary Alice, myself the only not official Mary, and my own daughter, Mary Madeline.  I am proud to be in this lineage of women, proud to have passed on the legacy of a strong, beautiful name, proud to sit in the same chair and rock my child. 

Time

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I've tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass...

This winter, I sat in my front window looking at the bleak sky and the leaf-less tree.  I remember thinking ahead to leaves and sun and son. Now I sit and see the mature tree, the bright blue sky, hear the shouts of my children playing in the sprinkler on the grass, feel the warm air blowing over me.  It was a LONG winter.  My day-dreams of sweet baby breath and branches beginning to bud have been realized. 

It's amazing how long that winter's day seemed, and how long ago.  My tiny baby is 7 weeks, and my other babies are growing like weeds as the days pass by.  I felt like I was pregnant forever, and now that I won't be again, I should try to remember the wonderful things about it; feeling him hiccup, watching him roll around.  But happily, most of those unpleasant memories are blocked out by the fact that he is a sweet baby, cubby and smiley with his crazy mohawk of curly hair.  I pick him up and he puts his arms around my neck and squeezes with all his baby might.  My heart (and body) forget all the pain and sleeplessness he's caused, I am only in love, in this moment.