Thinking

I've been thinking about how I don't have much to say.  I like to blog about my (limited) experiences, but it seems that in every blog I read, they have something to blog about. This one has an autistic son and a daughter with a brain hernia.  Another has money problems.  Alcoholic, abusive parents.  I almost feel as if I don't even deserve to be reading these people's stories, as my life so far has been pretty uneventful.  I have been blessed with so much, a loving family, children who are well, a stable roof over my head, a husband whom I love and respect (mostly) and reciprocates the feelings.  I am, in every way, living my own dream.  I do not know what I have done to deserve such a life. 

On the other hand I always feel as if the other shoe is going to drop.  I am constantly anticipating a disaster.  Why? So I can be prepared? So I'm not blindsided? I hate living in fear.  I want to live my life joyfully. 

Last night the children got their teeth cleaned at the dentist.  The hygenist was pregnant at the same time I was, but due later, in August.  She had her daughter one month after Owen was born, at 23 weeks, due to Placental Abruption.  The baby is ok, but has had to have numerous surgeries and was in the hospital for 5 months.  Last night I had to bring Owen because Ryan had band practice.  There I sat, with my perfectly formed, perfectly healthy, perfect delivery baby.  I felt ashamed.  I wanted to take back every complaint I had ever made. 

I have tried to take the time to get back to myself.  I go to book group once a month, I Zumba my buns off with a friend one a week.  I want to be a better person, I want to give back the blessings I have been given.  Now if the time to start.