Rituals.

Long long ago when I was a new Mommy, I had a difficult baby in the sleeping department. She had to be held and rocked to sleep every night. And if we happened to wake her up while laying her down, we had to start the entire process over from scratch. I'm so glad we stuck to our guns back then, because she's such a good sleeper now.

Anyway, Way back in the olden days, we tried everything to get her to sleep. So I tried to think of some songs to sing. Hm. I seem to know NO nursery rhyme-type songs. On top of that, I'm not a very good singer. I know plenty of Dixie Chicks songs, but they aren't really conducive to sleep, more to dance. I remembered all the times with my dad, in the bedroom listening to him sing and play his guitar and wished for a recording. Bummer. But I also remembered a song he sang to us, and had sung to my mom, called "I Will" by the Beatles. Well, I can manage this! Short, right in my range, with the added family history! Awesome! So I've been singing it for 4.5 years now, to both of them. Even Ben knows some of the lyrics. Tonight Maddie asked me to print the lyrics so she could sing it in the microphone with Ryan, so I did, and Ryan requested the Tab. We sat in the music room and sang our song together.

It's really a good mommy/child song. Maddie loves the part where is says
"Love you whenever we're together, love you when we're apart"
and it's a true thing for us, a reminder that no matter where I am, I will love her (them). Another legacy from my dad, and so wonderful for our family.

Funny little things.

Since my dad has died, I've been noticing funny little things that happen. Ryan says it's because I'm looking for them. I'm not, really. Mostly, it's songs. I would notice whenever we would head out on a big trip a "dad" song would be the first thing on the radio. Bad Company or "Black Water" or a particular Paul McCartney song. Today it was "Oh Bla Di". I haven't heard this one in quite a while, but long ago, in a childhood far far away, it was one of my favorites.

I heard it like cool water being poured over my wounds.

Pastor Tim asked on Facebook today if faith was nonsense. Seriously, I would have drowned in despair if not for faith many many times over. I have faith that my dad is still looking out for me, in little ways.

The Day the Music Died

It still can be hard for me to listen really listen to good music. I practically burst into tears immediately. Music is ingrained in my soul, part of my DNA make-up, partially from my mom, who is an avid lover of all kinds, but probably mostly from my dad, who came from a muscial family and was a musician himself. He taught himself guitar (with the help of his older brothers) and had this hauntingly beautiful voice that had incredible range. We grew up listening to it singing worship songs for the Saturday evening mass at church. We would sit, entranced, and listen to him sing in my parent's bedroom, cosy and intimate, a concert just for us. He would ask us what we wanted him to play, and we would say, "I don't know, something" and he would begin "Something" by the Beatles. Other times, he would tease me and say how he usd to sing this song back when I loved, when I was a baby, "Ripplin' Waters" by John Denver. After he put new strings on, he would break them in with Dan Fogelburg, A song I can never remember it's name..."do do do do doo " helpful, I know.

Music just doesn't ring the same way for me anymore.
That's one reason I can't listen to it. If HE hadn't heard it, is it worth hearing?

Two months after I married my second best friend, we found out that my very best friend, in ways neither of us could really understand, was dying. I spend every minute available with him in those last weeks. I fought with work, school and practically abandoned my new husband. He died with all of us around him, then coming to us in spirit after he had left his body. I felt peace, calmness, love. I could go on.
I remember now.


I have cried too...I have cried too long
I have cried too...I have cried too long
No more sorrow...got to carry on