Elusive sleep

(It might as well be called the "elusive 2 seconds to do anything" post, as it took me 35 minutes to get beyond the title, but that's another post!)

Getting a baby to sleep is a delicate operation of skill and silence. While the baby is tired, it may fight the inevitable closing of the eyes for reasons unknown. This leads to much fussing, crying and thrashing around. After what may seem like hours of patting, bouncing, 'shhh'ing, feeding, changing and anything else you may come up with in desperation, the baby's eyes flutter closed. At this point, you may feel like praying desperately (something like "Oh, please God, let him stay asleep!:), but prayer rarely works, since God has "been there done that" and he thinks this is funny.
Now comes the elaborate dance to lay the child down. If you are standing, the baby will immediately recognize the transition to a sitting position, no matter how careful you are. If you plan on laying the infant down, you now have to walk the 20 miles it seems to take to get to the younglings room. Every step creaks, every noise is magnified. When you finally get to the crib, you realize that the position you are holding your offspring is counter intuitive to laying them down. Your arms are wrapped around the child in a way that will jar them to wakefulness. You will stand there for a few minutes, working out this complicated procedure and finally coming to the conclusion that you will " just do it and get it over with". This rarely works, unless the infant is deeply asleep, which infants rarely are. Most likely, you will have to set the child down on your arms as they are holding it, and them slowly slide your arms out. Your sweaty skin will stick slightly to the baby's skin, but this won't be an issue. You are finally free, the baby is quiet. You sigh in relief, smile at the tiny person who has just so recently been the cause of much irritation. It's easier to love them when they're sleeping. You turn, and your first step hits that one squeaky floor board in the nursery. The fruit of your loins awakens and wails, and your long journey begins again.

A New Flame

When I was pregnant with Bennett, I had a conversation with a library patron about growing families. She said that having another child was like lighting a candle from another flame. The first flame does not diminish any when you light the second, and the second isn't any smaller than the first. They end up equal, but different.

I've added a third flame and though this is totally true again, I find that the flames are glowing brighter than ever. I look upon my (existing) children with new eyes. Soon, too soon, Owen will be as big and capable and intelligent as these two are. Weren't they just this small? Wasn't I just worrying and fretting over nursing them? Those are the eyes I used to gaze into while they drank, whose tiny hands I held.

We have our issues. Maddie is finding her "Trombley Temper". Bennett suddenly has forgotten how to do things he's been able to do for a long time, in response to me not being as available as before. Owen is unreliable in the eating department. This makes planning of any kind really difficult. But I watch them interact with one another and know that this was (mostly) worth it.

A New Chapter

I have been without a computer or internet (with the exception of my husbands Droid) for three months...So much has happened in that short amount of time, so many things I wanted to say and was unable. This pregnancy had gotten me exhausted to the point of no return, but thankfully, that chapter in my life is over.

Owen Henry was born April 3, 2010 at 12:01 pm after 7 hours of labor. He weighed 7 pounds 15 ounces and was 21 1/2 inches long. In the week that we've been home, he's fallen into place in our family like he was always there.

Does every mother feel this way? Do we all feel like we are giving 7,000% percent yet nothing is accomplished? Do we all get walked all over, hearts stomped on daily, yet expected to give some more after all is said and done?

How can it be that I feel emotionally drained after staying at home all day, yet the house is a disaster, the kids are bad and I'm a wreck? What have I accomplished? I haven't taken a shower in three days because someone always needs one more than I do, or the laundry needs to be done (when doesn't it?) or the dishwasher need to be run. Which are all thing I need to do anyway, so when do I have the time and when I do where does the energy come from?

A friend recently put as her Facebook status that she just wants to be appreciated. Ha. Between a messy house, wild children and looking like a homeless person, who can appreciate that? Yet all our time and evergy goes out each day, pushing us backward with each forward step. If we do manage to get ONE thing done, a miracle, it is now expected to be the norm.

We spend 24 hours on call with no break, no stopping the constant worrying, no minute to think what might be best for us. We take care of every minute detail. Is it any wonder that when something is not done right, or completely, or at all, this is upsetting to us? Who is looking out for us? Who wipes our tears?

We get to live with the pain of everyday life, the ups and the mostly downs. The guilt of feeling inadequate, of failing your children. We are forced to do things we don't like, say things we don't want to, and then hate ourselves.

When our lives are spent putting others first, why is it surprising that it hurts when we aren't put first with others. I want to scream,"What more do you want, my blood?!"

Where I'm at

Sadly, I've been neglectful of my blog these past few months. I have been exhausted to the point of no return. Not that I have anything to tire me out...a busy 5 year old who shocks and amazes me with her intellegence then turns around and can't find the head on her shoulders...a newly three year old who thinks he can do everything by himself and has so much energy that I simply cannot keep up...during the day another 2 year old who is a tiny copycat of Ben (good and bad) and can be slow as molassass and sweet as it too. And then there's Thumper. I want to go into some sort of hyperstatic hibernation (is that even a thing? I don't know, I made it up) until I give birth I'm that tired. I know I won't get any more sleep once he comes, but at least the toll on my body won't be as great.

My brain seems to be turned off. I live in an approximate 3 foot radius of my head. If it's not happening right in front of me, I don't care. I don't remember. I have everything for the next month written down in about 6 different places. I still can't keep up.

On that note, I am looking forward to Christmas. Since I used to work in retail where Christmas Music and items start after Halloween, I have a very easy time begin jaded about the whole time of year. I am very careful not to do anything Christmas-y until after Thanksgiving. Then I ease into it. A few songs here and there, then I can break out the classics.

One of the first "events" of the year is usually Ryan's company party. This year my challenge was to find a dress that actually fit. Hmm...almost 6 months pregnant...maternity is either ugly or expensive...regular stuff won't work...what to do?? I had one dress at home, but it very summery, and one I was lent, but it wasn't quite right. I am happy to say I did find a dress, about $100 less than I expected :) Let the (alcohol free) party begin!

It's a boy!

Ups and downs

If you read back a while, all I wanted was to be pregnant. Now that I'm here (18 weeks), I sure am rethinking this whole thing. This pregnancy has kicked my butt. Even when I do sleep, I never feel refreshed and my napping hours have increased exponentially. And these aren't nice, comfy bed naps, but sit down for a minute to catch my breath (which I'm ALWAYS out of) and pass out for a while kind of naps. I have felt six months pregnant for about 3 months, and I'm not even to six months yet! My hips hurt, my bones ache, my hair is falling out when it should be staying in...
And then I feel the little bugger kick me. I have not felt this one as strongly and frequently as the other two, and I had a semi-freak out because of it, but I am always waiting for the next one. I can't wait to hold s/he in my arms and smell it's warm head (most likely no hair, I've got baldies). I know this is the last one, so it has a bittersweet finality to it. This time in my life that I've looked forward to from the beginning is over?? I will be happy to move to the next chapter of raising them up (partially started already, of course)But it's all moving so quickly. Hey, on the bright side, maybe I'll be an empty-nester by 50!!