Thinking

I've been thinking about how I don't have much to say.  I like to blog about my (limited) experiences, but it seems that in every blog I read, they have something to blog about. This one has an autistic son and a daughter with a brain hernia.  Another has money problems.  Alcoholic, abusive parents.  I almost feel as if I don't even deserve to be reading these people's stories, as my life so far has been pretty uneventful.  I have been blessed with so much, a loving family, children who are well, a stable roof over my head, a husband whom I love and respect (mostly) and reciprocates the feelings.  I am, in every way, living my own dream.  I do not know what I have done to deserve such a life. 

On the other hand I always feel as if the other shoe is going to drop.  I am constantly anticipating a disaster.  Why? So I can be prepared? So I'm not blindsided? I hate living in fear.  I want to live my life joyfully. 

Last night the children got their teeth cleaned at the dentist.  The hygenist was pregnant at the same time I was, but due later, in August.  She had her daughter one month after Owen was born, at 23 weeks, due to Placental Abruption.  The baby is ok, but has had to have numerous surgeries and was in the hospital for 5 months.  Last night I had to bring Owen because Ryan had band practice.  There I sat, with my perfectly formed, perfectly healthy, perfect delivery baby.  I felt ashamed.  I wanted to take back every complaint I had ever made. 

I have tried to take the time to get back to myself.  I go to book group once a month, I Zumba my buns off with a friend one a week.  I want to be a better person, I want to give back the blessings I have been given.  Now if the time to start.

Just when you think you know it all...or a least something...Ah, forget it.

So after having two kids, you have a few tricks up your sleeve, a few tools in your belt. Then you have Number Three and God thinks it's funny that you think you know what's going on. 
This week has been momentous in the life of The Babe.  He has gotten tooth #2, learned how to crawl AND how to pull up to his feet. He has been very close to crawling for some time now, he just hasn't been able to put it all together.  Who woulda thought that something as simple as a stuck toy would make the gears click? 

Now that he's officially mobile, he has decided that he's going to venture out into the big, wide world: The Kitchen. He only crossed the threshold into the kitchen twice before, even though he could army-crawl very well.  Today he is my shadow at the sink. 

At our old house, there was a small, definite path to and from the kitchen.  One gate and three closed doors later, the Family Room was a baby-safe area.  Here at the new house, the space is slightly too large for a gate, so here comes Babe.  Luckily, there is a pocket door at the top of the stairs, so I don't have to worry about that. 

I remember Maddie learning how to crawl. I got home from work and Ryan showed me mauled pink rubber ducky.  He had let her chew it as a "treat" when she would crawl correctly.  He was SO PROUD!  It took her longer to crawl than Owen, maybe 8 or 9 months because she could roll everywhere so well that she really didn't care to learn.  I don't know where she gets her stubbornness from.  Owen is at the age where I can't remember anything from Ben.  I was in a cast and miserable and I know I wrote some stuff down, but poor kid, mommy was not in her right mind.  I do  know that he was earlier, closer to 6 months.  Owen splits the difference of everything Maddie and Ben did.  Maddie got her tooth at 6 months, Ben at 8, Owen at 7.  I could have predicted it. 

The Babe is also not sleeping quite through the night. His sibs were by and before 6 months.  So I'm still feeling the sleep deprivation.  He actually slept better at 3 months!
He doesn't eat baby food.  Nothing pureed or mushy.  I felt bad about not making it myself for Maddie and Ben, and when I do make it for Owen, the kid won't eat it. Huh. So much for Mommy guilt.  He also learned his pincer grasp on Thursday. Now he can feed himself, which is awesome.  Here we come, Cheerioland!!

 It's amazing how cool it is to watch something you made grow into a person.  It's frustrating, challenging, exhausting, but at the end of 18 years, maybe we'll get a break.  And hopefully we've done a good enough job that we won't have to worry.  Or not too much.  Who'm I kidding? I will never stop worrying!!

Internal Clock.

I've always liked to sleep. 

The problem is, whether I've slept 6 hours or 16, I never feel quite refreshed. I always have to drag myself out of bed. 

I love the feeling, at the end of the day, when you turn out your lights and lay in silence between the cool sheets.  There is no place like your bed.

So I wrestle myself out of bed each morning by 7:30 (usually I've already been awake for a while, either due to nursing or waking up when Ryan leaves at 6:30. Those are bad mornings, when I fall asleep again riiiight about 7:25).  I wake Maddie, who wakes up similar to me, like a hibernating bear.  Ben pops up like a spring, ready for the day. Funny. Ryan sleeps like a dead person, but wakes easily, and I sleep so lightly that ANYTHING wakes me, but wake (for good) hard. Our kids are mixed. Maddie has it the worst, sleeping like Ryan, waking like me. Bennett is lucky, sleeping lightly but waking easily. 

As soon as Morning Routine is done, I want to take a nap. At 8:45.

I never can get going. All morning I laze around, trying to get some energy or motivation to do ANYTHING. 

Around 1 pm I start getting in my groove. I am the only person I know who works out and showers at night.  If I manage to get them done in the morning, it's all I manage to do all day! 

I feel like my internal clock is set wrong, Don't get me wrong, it's a good clock. It wakes me up at exactly the time I want to wake up, but it only awakens my mind, not my body. 

I wish I could be a morning person, but I just can't fight it.  And the world revolves around the "bright and early".  I've thought about getting a job at a coffee place, but I think I might just die if I had to be at work by 5 a.m.  Caffeine has little to no effect on me.  I just have to accept the fact that I am a slow starter, that I will never look around at 10:30 and sigh with happiness at my accomplishments. 

Right, like my house is ever clean. 

Blessings

Hm. I'm full of beautiful phrases and eloquence in the space between consciousness and sleep.  I wake up and it's gone.  Yeah, I could keep a journal by my bed...but turning on the light is ill advised, especially when it takes so long for me to fall asleep in the first place. Plus I'm lazy. 
I feel like I'm getting to a good place. I feel like having Owen (and all that lead up to him) have helped me be satisfied. Nothing is perfect, everything is hard, but my life is inherently blessed. Each one of our friends who is in the same "stage" of life has their own problems. We all struggle with discipline, money, time, none of us seems to have enough of any of those. And yet, we all have love. 
A few weeks ago, one family's father lost his job. While at first, it seemed like a crushing blow to the family, the couple, his ego, they have realized that it was probably the best thing that could have happened. The job's hours were dragging them down, putting unneeded stress on the family. Since then, both parents have been happier, kids are more secure, less problems all around. They decided to look at it as a blessing.  I'm trying to see the events in my life as blessings as well, regardless of how challenging.

Mamma's don't get no sick days.

Crapity crap. I have a sinus infection. And yet....

I got up early to feed the baby, get kids up and ready for school, one on the bus, two in the car for preschool, Oops, almost forgot to brush my teeth, my face hurts so bad. Drop one off, get one down for nap, have brother over, pick up from preschool, have lunch with mother in law and help her drop off the (our) van at the dealer. snacks, nursing, entertaining, answering 7 zillion questions, diaper changes, getting OFF the bus. Oh, did I mention my head has consistently felt like it was going to explode??

Part of my problem is that I so rarely get sick.  There needs to be a service for sick Mom's. But who could do YOUR job?  Usually, not even your husband. There is NO one who has it down like you. No one can answer the questions, find the homework, NOT make chicken nuggets because only one kid likes them.  It is practically impossible to parent from the bedroom. You might as well lay on the couch. In that case, you might as well so the dishes because you KNOW there isn't anyone that is going to do them!  


I need to do so about 438 things, but I feel like I have some extra gravity holding me down right now. I can barely keep my eyes open. Not because I'm tired, but for some reason they just keep closing.  I can't take meds because of nursing, and even when I did, guess what? didn't help.  I know taking a hot shower would help clear me up, at least temporarily, but I don't trust my legs for that long. I know I need to pack up Maddie for school tomorrow, but I don't have to make her lunch, so her snack and water bottle and folder can wait til the morning. Oh, yeah, the morning. After NOT getting a real full nights sleep, I'll get up, get Maddie off and go volunteer at her school in the library. Because I said I would, so I'll be there.  Because who else will if I don't??

Dinnertime Conversations: School Edition.

Daddy: Ben! You're going to school soon? What are you going to do there, pick up chicks? 
Ben: Yeah!! With Uncle Josh!  
Mommy: Ben, whats a chick?
Ben: You know, like a bird in an egg? Before we pick up chicks we should go dig for some worms. 

Daddy: Maddie, what are you going to do if a boy kisses you?
Maddie: KISS HIM BACK!
Daddy:!!!!!!
Maddie: (laughs until she cries)

Mommy: Ben, what will you do if one of your friends takes one of your toys?
Ben: Oh! Thats one of the TEN (holding up ten fingers)!!
Maddie: Yeah! (sings) ♪ Ten Commandment boogie gonna dance until I die Ten commandment boogie You can do it so can I!♪
Ben: They shouldn't steal from me! 
Mommy: What do you tell them?
Ben: Give it back to me.  Please.

Best laid plans.

E

Ever plan a day out with your kids?  You plan meals, times, driving, budget.  You pour your precious time into making a fun, educational, tear-free time.  

First, the baby needs to see the doctor.  So it pushes us back a few hours.  No biggie.  But the cost of being us all night with him is waking up an hour later than I planned.  Well, I can forgo the shower.  Call the doctor, appointment is about an hour later than expected.  Ok, well that makes up for the sleeping-in time and, Hey! I have time for a shower now!  Feed the baby, quietly get in the shower, because the big kids are still sleeping, strangely enough.  But as I start washing my hair, I hear screaming.  Apparently, they big kids are awake and have christened the new day by fighting over the computer.  I should have gone back to bed.  

After waiting (and waiting.  They fit me in, so I shouldn't complain), Owen has an ear infection.  First of any of my kids. Goodie!  In the car, Owen is screaming, Ben is requesting we go home because of the need to play Mario "Wii-hii",  No, we're going to the Dino museum.  We don't want to go to see the dinos!  Too bad.  We are GOING to have fun, and we're almost there.  

We get in the building, "OOO! turtle skeletons! Look, Mommy there are---I want to go home." I literally have to grab Ben's shirt to stop him from running out.  He is afraid of the T-Rex.

 We have a meltdown about chips in the cafe.  Owen decides, while Ben is screaming, that it is a good idea to join him.  I would like to cry as well. We have only seen about 1/4 of the museum and I'm done.  

What happened to my good intentions? Don't they realize I am trying to have FUN with them?  Why is it so hard?  It makes me not want to leave the house!