Does every mother feel this way? Do we all feel like we are giving 7,000% percent yet nothing is accomplished? Do we all get walked all over, hearts stomped on daily, yet expected to give some more after all is said and done?

How can it be that I feel emotionally drained after staying at home all day, yet the house is a disaster, the kids are bad and I'm a wreck? What have I accomplished? I haven't taken a shower in three days because someone always needs one more than I do, or the laundry needs to be done (when doesn't it?) or the dishwasher need to be run. Which are all thing I need to do anyway, so when do I have the time and when I do where does the energy come from?

A friend recently put as her Facebook status that she just wants to be appreciated. Ha. Between a messy house, wild children and looking like a homeless person, who can appreciate that? Yet all our time and evergy goes out each day, pushing us backward with each forward step. If we do manage to get ONE thing done, a miracle, it is now expected to be the norm.

We spend 24 hours on call with no break, no stopping the constant worrying, no minute to think what might be best for us. We take care of every minute detail. Is it any wonder that when something is not done right, or completely, or at all, this is upsetting to us? Who is looking out for us? Who wipes our tears?

We get to live with the pain of everyday life, the ups and the mostly downs. The guilt of feeling inadequate, of failing your children. We are forced to do things we don't like, say things we don't want to, and then hate ourselves.

When our lives are spent putting others first, why is it surprising that it hurts when we aren't put first with others. I want to scream,"What more do you want, my blood?!"

Where I'm at

Sadly, I've been neglectful of my blog these past few months. I have been exhausted to the point of no return. Not that I have anything to tire me out...a busy 5 year old who shocks and amazes me with her intellegence then turns around and can't find the head on her shoulders...a newly three year old who thinks he can do everything by himself and has so much energy that I simply cannot keep up...during the day another 2 year old who is a tiny copycat of Ben (good and bad) and can be slow as molassass and sweet as it too. And then there's Thumper. I want to go into some sort of hyperstatic hibernation (is that even a thing? I don't know, I made it up) until I give birth I'm that tired. I know I won't get any more sleep once he comes, but at least the toll on my body won't be as great.

My brain seems to be turned off. I live in an approximate 3 foot radius of my head. If it's not happening right in front of me, I don't care. I don't remember. I have everything for the next month written down in about 6 different places. I still can't keep up.

On that note, I am looking forward to Christmas. Since I used to work in retail where Christmas Music and items start after Halloween, I have a very easy time begin jaded about the whole time of year. I am very careful not to do anything Christmas-y until after Thanksgiving. Then I ease into it. A few songs here and there, then I can break out the classics.

One of the first "events" of the year is usually Ryan's company party. This year my challenge was to find a dress that actually fit. Hmm...almost 6 months pregnant...maternity is either ugly or expensive...regular stuff won't work...what to do?? I had one dress at home, but it very summery, and one I was lent, but it wasn't quite right. I am happy to say I did find a dress, about $100 less than I expected :) Let the (alcohol free) party begin!

It's a boy!

Ups and downs

If you read back a while, all I wanted was to be pregnant. Now that I'm here (18 weeks), I sure am rethinking this whole thing. This pregnancy has kicked my butt. Even when I do sleep, I never feel refreshed and my napping hours have increased exponentially. And these aren't nice, comfy bed naps, but sit down for a minute to catch my breath (which I'm ALWAYS out of) and pass out for a while kind of naps. I have felt six months pregnant for about 3 months, and I'm not even to six months yet! My hips hurt, my bones ache, my hair is falling out when it should be staying in...
And then I feel the little bugger kick me. I have not felt this one as strongly and frequently as the other two, and I had a semi-freak out because of it, but I am always waiting for the next one. I can't wait to hold s/he in my arms and smell it's warm head (most likely no hair, I've got baldies). I know this is the last one, so it has a bittersweet finality to it. This time in my life that I've looked forward to from the beginning is over?? I will be happy to move to the next chapter of raising them up (partially started already, of course)But it's all moving so quickly. Hey, on the bright side, maybe I'll be an empty-nester by 50!!

My Favorite Things...Part Two...Mommy Style

Favorite thing #4...The candor of little children. We have been on the long of potty training a stubborn 2/almost 3 year old boy. There has been much progress, but two steps forward one step back. He gets ice cream when he poo's on the potty. This is a great incentive to him. Mostly, we don't have too much of a problem with peeing, he's just learning how to aim and I am a poor teacher. This weekend he went in to potty with his daddy and Ryan came out laughing. Ben said "Whoa daddy, you have a GIANT pee-pee!" Now I'm not THAT lucky, but in size comparison, Ben is right. Way to make daddy feel proud!

Favorite thing #5...For real, actual music. Maddie takes violin lessons. Not because we are cruel "this will be good for you someday" type parents, but because she begged us. She does very well, reading the music after a few short months and "wowing" her teacher every week. Last week, she played "Ode To Joy" with her teacher accompanying her on the piano. I almost cried. She has only been playing since May.

(I will make her play it and take a video, but she's not home right now! Also, a 1/8 size violin is not the best sounding instrument. Even her teacher sounds kinda crappy on it. We will move up to a 1/4 size soon, and I hope it stays in tune better! Some of those lessons are hard to sit though :) )

My favorite things...part one...mommy style

My favorite part of the morning #1...Waking my sleeping daughter for school.
Maddie is a hard waker. She gets that from me. We like to sleep, we like to cuddle, we don't like to get out of our warm cocoons and face the cold, hard, dark morning. Ryan is a shock waker, who likes the EH EH EH EH of the alarm to make him jump out of bed. That kills me. So I decided I would wake my girl up for school in a more gentle way. I climb into bed with her and love her awake. I love that she, in her sleep, rolls over and throws her arm around me.We have a nice calm wake up and start the day that way.

My favorite part of the morning #2... After all of our things are dine and she's waiting at the bus stop, she climbs on the bus with a coment to the driver (who doesn't seem to know what to make of her) and sits at the window. She turns to me and we blow kisses to each other. Then we catch them and save them! I still get a little pain in my heart watching the bus drive away.

But Ben usually makes up for it...Favorite part of the morning #3...Snuggling on the couch with Ben. He gets his blanket and pillow and sets up a little place for us while I am out at the road with Sister. It's a good alone bonding time for us. Plus I get to doze.

This Time of Year

It's my favorite time of year again, though I don't feel there was any summer to transistion from. It has gotten bitter quite quickly around here. This ONE day of sun is doing me some good, as I sit and type, it's shining through the window on me.

On top of the giant hay mountain

Last weekend, we went out to Blakes Cider Mill for some family fun. We rode the hayride out to pick pumpkins, fed the goaties, walked though the "Black Hole", got lost in a corn maze, ate cider and donuts and it only cost us an arm and a leg :)! We had so much fun, though. It was worth it to watch Ben shriek in terror as we walked by the "Spooky House".

On the train ride

Worth it to see Maddie giggle while the goat licked her hand, and worth it to have Ryan pretend to lose his Wedding Ring inside of a goat. Very funny. I actually felt good for a change! That is so rare nowadays. I'm hoping (though this pregnancy has not been like any of the others) that it will lessen when I hit the second trimester, which is in 3 days. Not that I'm counting.

Maddie has lost two teeth now, with one more slightly wiggly. I love the look of the teeth with "toes" :)