The days after cont.

People have been commenting on how upbeat I am. I guess it's because I think laughter is the best medicine. Seriously, I would just cry ALL THE TIME. Is it worth it? No. Am I Disappointed? Yes. But I can move on.

Honestly, I almost forget that along with this surgery meant the loss of a baby. For me, it was more the loss of an idea. The "baby" would never have become one, having implanted in my tube, so I almost feel not connected to it. I'm pro-life, though not radical, but in my heart of hearts I think there is a time when the baby doesn't have it's soul yet. I don't mean it as a "when does life begin" sort of debate, but I think there is a time where God waits, shows the new baby it's family, then lets it in. I don't feel like my "baby" had its soul yet. I may have a baby soul waiting in heaven for me, or even maybe God will give it another chance next time. I had a miscarriage before Maddie and that one I felt like it had a soul. I felt that it was a girl (I felt the same with both my kids, an immediate, instinctual knowledge) and I was very upset. This time, I felt like God said "Whoops, hold on a minute. Mechanical problem. We'll take you for the next ride"

I am so blessed to have two fantastic children. I will kvetch and complain, but they are my world, and I would be lost without them. So many mothers who have miscarriages never get to have that. I almost feel guilty asking for more. Being on the mother-baby unit after surgery though only solidified the fact that I WANT another baby. I try to think that I'm a good mother, and I hope someday I'll get that validation from my kids. Right now, it's touch and go. I'm gonna make an effort to be a better mom.

I would like to pause a moment and give a thank you to all those who thought of me, called me, prayed for me, brought me food, took my kids, visited, anything during my hours of need. The support I received was overwhelming. I cannot thank you all enough for the love I feel. I'm constantly second guessing myself as a friend, as a neighbor, as a member of a community, but I feel validated by the outpouring of love. The food is awesome too!


I'm going on a cruise in 3 weeks from today. I thought, Hey, I've got an excuse to be fluffy, I'm 3 months pregnant! Now I'm just fat with no excuse! and only three weeks to lose the fluff, AND the surgery bloat. ~sigh~ gotta stop eating that Dove brownie and fudge affair ice cream with the hard ganache chocolate making a crust over the whole top...mmm