Non-Reality.

In the past, I had no desire to go on a cruise. Four years ago, We went with Ryan's work and customers, but I was still nursing, so we took 5 month old Maddie. It wasn't easy, but we still managed to have a good time. I don't remember much of it :)

This time, we went again with the K/E crew, but we went ALONE. I didn't realize how much fun it really was.

Someone to feed you, at any time of the day.

Someone to clean your room and make your bed.

Someone to tell you where to be.

Someone to help you decide what outfit to wear what night because of the dress code.

No one to clean up after, no one to change, no one to feed, put down for naps, put to bed.

It was a great non-reality. I didn't want to return to my real reality.

We started in Miami, then went to Key West. We were supposed to snorkel, but it was very windy and they cancelled it. So we and a few costumers we were supposed to go with went into town. We found an infamous bar called Sloppy Joe's. It was 5 of us, then 7, then 9. then about 12 people came in together. Suddenly, about 40 K/E people were drinking it up in a section of this bar. Ryan looks at his uncle and asks "You're going to OK my expense report for this, right?"

The next day we docked in Puerta Maya on Cozumel, which had been destroyed by Wilma in 2005, about 9 months after we had been there. We thought it looked different, but didn't know until a guide told us. It was about 80 degrees. We ate a nice lunch with some customers at a restaurant right on the beach, then drank frozen margarita's at a bar called Fat Tuesday's with swings for chairs.

Later we did an excursion called the Amazing Cozumel Race, and went with a couple of customers who missed their snorkeling excursion due to ship time versus island time. They joined our team and we got second place. (First place was some young teens who ran the entire race. Not happening)

We shopped a little, then rejoined the ship. Then next day was the "day at sea". We slept most of this day. I can't figure out why. Then we got up and partied all night. Smart thing right before we had to go home, right?

We saw a comedy show, danced a little, drank a lot. The guys were amazed at my ability to shoot whisky (three times) and walk straight. Got pretend "hit on". Taught Ryan how to salsa with me.

We got about 3 hours of sleep when the alarm went off. But Ryan had acidentally set it for 5 instead of 6 because of the time change issue. ARG! But we had planty of time to hurry up and wait. All Day. At the port. In Fort Lauderdale. At the Ft. Lauderdale airport. At the Memphis airport. Actually that one was a hurry up and run. We only had 30 minutes to get from one gate to another. We did have time to grab a pulled pork sandwich, Memphis smoke style. MMMM.

We were home by midnight. A LONG day.

When can I do it again?

The days after cont.

People have been commenting on how upbeat I am. I guess it's because I think laughter is the best medicine. Seriously, I would just cry ALL THE TIME. Is it worth it? No. Am I Disappointed? Yes. But I can move on.

Honestly, I almost forget that along with this surgery meant the loss of a baby. For me, it was more the loss of an idea. The "baby" would never have become one, having implanted in my tube, so I almost feel not connected to it. I'm pro-life, though not radical, but in my heart of hearts I think there is a time when the baby doesn't have it's soul yet. I don't mean it as a "when does life begin" sort of debate, but I think there is a time where God waits, shows the new baby it's family, then lets it in. I don't feel like my "baby" had its soul yet. I may have a baby soul waiting in heaven for me, or even maybe God will give it another chance next time. I had a miscarriage before Maddie and that one I felt like it had a soul. I felt that it was a girl (I felt the same with both my kids, an immediate, instinctual knowledge) and I was very upset. This time, I felt like God said "Whoops, hold on a minute. Mechanical problem. We'll take you for the next ride"

I am so blessed to have two fantastic children. I will kvetch and complain, but they are my world, and I would be lost without them. So many mothers who have miscarriages never get to have that. I almost feel guilty asking for more. Being on the mother-baby unit after surgery though only solidified the fact that I WANT another baby. I try to think that I'm a good mother, and I hope someday I'll get that validation from my kids. Right now, it's touch and go. I'm gonna make an effort to be a better mom.

I would like to pause a moment and give a thank you to all those who thought of me, called me, prayed for me, brought me food, took my kids, visited, anything during my hours of need. The support I received was overwhelming. I cannot thank you all enough for the love I feel. I'm constantly second guessing myself as a friend, as a neighbor, as a member of a community, but I feel validated by the outpouring of love. The food is awesome too!


I'm going on a cruise in 3 weeks from today. I thought, Hey, I've got an excuse to be fluffy, I'm 3 months pregnant! Now I'm just fat with no excuse! and only three weeks to lose the fluff, AND the surgery bloat. ~sigh~ gotta stop eating that Dove brownie and fudge affair ice cream with the hard ganache chocolate making a crust over the whole top...mmm