Had a bad one with the kids... woke up at 5:30, never went back to sleep and fought all day with kids who got up at 6:45 instead of the usual 8 and 9. Mommy was cranky because she doesn't do well without sleep either, but the kids...I think I was speaking Chinese all day because they acted like they did not hear one word I said. I got tired of yelling and went to spanking. Do Not Pass GO, Do Not Collect $200. Do Not Call CPS Because You Said You Would Bash Your Daughters Face In. Right, I know. I didn't mean it and I was so mad I didn't know what I was saying. I couldn't reach her anyway. It just came out of my mouth. I'm not proud of my actions. I am proud of myself that when we got home, I laid down the law, doled out punishments just like I said I would (sometimes I threaten, but don't follow through), and then talked rationally, but firmly. After spanks aways come hugs. but not until they've had a few minutes to sink in :)
I still feel like crap. I feel ignored. I feel useless. I feel ineffective as a parent. I'm worn down, tired and tomorrow is going to start very soon and I'm not ready for it yet.
Ryan and I continued to paint this evening and as we were painting, Maddie and Ben were watching the BZZZ movie. That's Ben talk for The Bee movie. at the end, they sing "Here Comes The Sun. Maddie dances and sings, and felt a little better. This has been a long cold lonely winter. It does seem like years since it's been here, but it's coming and we'll all feel better with some sun shining on our faces.
I'm hoping tomorrow is a productive day. We want to move in next weekend, so we want to get as much done as possible. The hardwood floor guy is coming on Monday. I ripped up the carpet in the smallest bedroom and it already looks so good! I can't wait to be moved in. Ben can't either, apparently. Every time we leave in the evening, he complains about wanting to stay at the "Blue House". Our house is not blue. The paint was blue in the front room, but it's brown now. I think he misheard us say new house, but he's called it that since we went their the first time. I don't mind. I just am so happy that he is excited!
Friday, May 1, 2009
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I have a feeling that it's always the parent that feels the worst after a spanking. I hope today was a better day.
ReplyDeleteI so identify with your Bad Day description. Speaking Chinese at a higher and higher volume, words coming out of our mouths that shock us, sleep deprivation... I am right there with you.
ReplyDeleteMy rules for myself: 1. apologize to them specifically 2. talk rationally about what happened, including identifying the emotions and 3. forgive myself.
We're learning and teaching each other as we go. They are learning that when *they* flip out, we will always talk/apologize when things have settled. We are learning not to harbor grudges and also that emotions are not something to be squashed or feared. And that we have to be accountable to each other for the things that we say to hurt each other.
I love you and I am so proud of you, beautiful Mama!