A New Era

I sent her off today. Her life has been primed for this moment since her birth; the day she'll leave my influence and become her own person.

Who am I kidding. She has NEVER been "mine" the way other daughters are with their mothers. She's not "mine" the way even Bennett is.

She has always been her own person. When the time rolled around for babies to get strange, for them to shy away from new things and people, she never once looked back for me. Even when I was pregnant with her, I had this feeling like she thought she could do it better without my help.

But this morning was the one she has been looking forward to since the last day of preschool. She awoke with wonder in her greenish brown eyes, rubbed the sleep from them and sat up abruptly. She wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered "greatest mom ever". This surprised me for a few reasons. #1, Maddie is not an easy waker, like her mother. We have been working on getting up at 7:30 for the past few weeks, instead of her normal 9 with mixed results. #2, Maddie does not generally give me such open displays of affection. Her daddy, yes, but me not so much. Without her knowing, I crave those unasked for kisses and hugs, the "i love you's" that come from her heart, not just a response. They are my crack. This morning alone got me through an hour of time where I was certain tears were going to flow.

She cannot wait for tomorrow when she gets to go on the bus with her friend next door, Leah.

I won't be there to ease her confusion. To direct her where to go. Will she be lost in the sea of kids figuring it all out themselves? I will have to trust my training in her to do the right thing, ask for help, guide others.

I'm also going to miss my helper at home! She loves to be helpful with Eli and Ben, my second pair of eyes when I can't watch every moment.

I miss her already!