Anxiety

I can handle stuff. I'm not stoic, or unfeeling, and I have my moments, but generally, I can get through without having a major meltdown. When I was pregnant with Bennett, I was riddled with this anxious fear that something was going to go wrong. I never felt that way with Maddie, and I chalked it up to hormones. Boy vs. girl. I don't even usually get PMS, so it was a crazy roller coaster time for me.

So why am I feeling this anxiety now? (I'm not pregnant). We're trying to put an offer on a house today and I'm freaking out. We've looked at a bunch of houses, we've been in this situation before, so why do I feel like I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for the bomb to drop?

I KNOW. I know that if we don't get this house, it wasn't meant to be. I am so clear on that. There are TONS of houses out there, and one has our name on it. Part of the problem is that Mr. Stoic Himself told me yesterday that he REALLY wants this house. Oh. So for a week you give me no indication that you are seriously interested, then you lay it on me? I'm the one who found the house, so I feel like I will be letting him down if we don't get it.

Last night while soaking I the tub I found a passage that fit pretty well. Daniel is trying to guess what Nebuchadnezzars dream was, so he goes to his friends and prays with them. God gives them the answer. So last night I put out a request on Facebook (what would we do without Facebook?) to my friends and asked them for help. In just a few minutes I got 7 replies. I need an army to help me out on this one!

Mercy

Yesterday was a bad mommy day. Like one for the books. I didn't beat them or neglect them, but they did every little thing possible to get on my nerves and do whatever I didn't want them to do. I lost it. More than once.

I should be patient. I should be loving. I should understand that my children are very small. I lost it. Maddie says I scare her when I scream. Instead of being shamed, I replied, 'If you'd listen to me, I wouldn't scream!' Great logic, huh?

So I resolved to be a better mommy today (real helpful when you don't fall asleep until 4am, then wake up 6 minutes later to a 4 year old wanting to snuggle). So I opened my Bible this morning after pouring cereal and read a few lines about going to God FIRST before you screw up so bad that you can't redeem yourself. Ah. Yesterday I should have put MYSELF in time out. Reflected. Relaxed. Talked with my little hellions and had a better day. Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe that should be Godsight. Anyway, while I was reading this, the light from the window was falling over my Bible and I realized it was a rainbow. To me, it meant God was giving me another chance. God's promise not to destroy the world again after he had already done so shows me even I get a second chance, and a third and so on. My kids still love me. God still loves me and hey, he's got a Son so he knows what I'm going through.