These days

Now, as if I wasn't far enough behind, I have double to do. Not really surprised, getting a new house is time consuming, and a lot of work, and we had a bunch of work to do here as it was. But we'll deal with it when the time comes. First we need to close :). Then paint and flooring, which we discovered the other night the front room and bedrooms have hardwood. Bonus! For less than the cost of carpet, we can have it refinished and raise the value of the house. Now I have to figure out the other two rooms. Same with paint...what to do, what to do! Then we can move in pretty much. Here, at the condo, we need to patch some small dings, finish the bathrooms, maybe new floor in the kitchen.

My worries have gone into overdrive, I call Ryan every half hour about some what-if, and he talks me down. We talked to the neighbor the other night when we went and walked through again and he said it was an old lady who lived there for 35 years. New roof, water heater, septic within the last four years. Whew! That was a huge load off of our minds! Those are big things, and if we have a few years before we have to think of them, then great! One less worry for me! I do like it more having walked through a second time. I had a few things about it mixed up with some other houses we looked at, and it was better than what was in my head.

I've already started packing the things we don't use on a regular basis. Slow and steady keeps you sane, right?

For those keeping track, I've just been given the news of number 8 for the pregnant tally. Funny, Ryan had asked me if it was me plus two others that made "three" as in things happen in three's. HAHAHAHA! I was first and it brings the total to nine pregnancies, if only 8 babies. When I was pregnant with Maddie, there was NO ONE pregnant that I knew. With Ben, there were a few, Scarlet, Michael, but this is INSANE!

All around me.

In light of recent events, I find myself surrounded by babies and pregnant ladies. I am trying, because I love both, to not feel jealous or slighted. But some days, like today, I am overcome with emotions. Happy for friends expecting, wishing I was in the same boat, comparing symptoms and stats.

Maybe I was supposed to be around to help. Maybe I am, as usual, the strong one, the knowledge keeper, ever ready to lend my hand. And Lord knows, she will need it! If I were also pregnant (still) I wouldn't be able to be there as I was last time.

It's hard when God takes away from you and gives to others. I have so many blessings, but well.... you know.

This will take some thinking and praying. Sure, I want to have another, but I am terrified of the risk.

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

Eh this is getting more and more difficult. Just like then pre-surgery, I thought it was over, I thought I could move on, but it gets brought up and hurts again. I thought I could be ok, and sometimes I am. Now I can see what might have been, be reminded of what I lost. And through this I am feeling bad for feeling like this, wanting to be so happy for my friends, and I am I really am. I love you! Please understand this is going to be a little hard for me.

I really think this is the first time I've cried.

And now, The Boy

He came along so differently. Oh, yeah I wanted another baby, badly, but the timing was not a good as I'd like it. Not his fault. I was a nervous wreck every day. I was filled with anxiety, sure something was going to go wrong. My hormones were in HIGH GEAR. He came kind of eventfully, after being in labor all day, suddenly, he was there. He blinked at me, and it took me a few minutes to realize this was my son. I was so in love.

He is the complete opposite of his sister. He lavashes love on me like he has enough for the whole world, and no, I don't have to do ANYTHING in return. On his 6 month birthday, he crawled out of his co-sleeper and stood up on me. He walked by 10 months. He was saying sentences when his sister was barely saying mamma. He is my music-obsessed baby (where could he get that from?). Guitar Hero=love. He runsandrunsandruns, shrieking like a banshee, and I realize he's wailing on a (spoon, brush, traintrack) pretending to be shredding a riff. He's not picky, though,if he has two (spoons, brushes, traintracks) They can be drumsticks! He used to call daddy's drums "bang". He has a soft boy-smell at the nape of his neck that I can't get enough of. He says " It's so (stucking, broking, heavy)". He's still so new, even though he's two.I wonder how he'll evolve, what he's going to like in the future. Right now, it's all music, spiderman, Thomas. But he's merging into a Mario party obsession. We'll see. "I Yoshi" as he scrunches up his mouth to say the unfamiliar word.

He went through a rough patch, for a few months I really really wanted to flush him down the toilet. But those tantrums have pretty much subsided, and my wonderful, sweet boy has returned. He brings me his blankets and says, "Wanna nuggle mamma". Not a request, a statement. But I am so willing everytime.