All around me.

In light of recent events, I find myself surrounded by babies and pregnant ladies. I am trying, because I love both, to not feel jealous or slighted. But some days, like today, I am overcome with emotions. Happy for friends expecting, wishing I was in the same boat, comparing symptoms and stats.

Maybe I was supposed to be around to help. Maybe I am, as usual, the strong one, the knowledge keeper, ever ready to lend my hand. And Lord knows, she will need it! If I were also pregnant (still) I wouldn't be able to be there as I was last time.

It's hard when God takes away from you and gives to others. I have so many blessings, but well.... you know.

This will take some thinking and praying. Sure, I want to have another, but I am terrified of the risk.

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

Eh this is getting more and more difficult. Just like then pre-surgery, I thought it was over, I thought I could move on, but it gets brought up and hurts again. I thought I could be ok, and sometimes I am. Now I can see what might have been, be reminded of what I lost. And through this I am feeling bad for feeling like this, wanting to be so happy for my friends, and I am I really am. I love you! Please understand this is going to be a little hard for me.

I really think this is the first time I've cried.