Sisters...sisters...

I dreamt about my sister this early morning.

I don't have a sister. At least not one living.

When I was 2, my mother lost my sister at 7 months. She rarely talks about it, partly due to the fact that she got pregnant with my brother shortly after then had him at 7 months. My dad talked about it a little more, but now, and in my child birthing age, I don't really have any answers. My obstetrician said it was most likely due to the fact that my mother only has one ovary and half her uterus (and kidney, which was the cause of her hospital stay in July). Dr. Blake reassured me that because I have both, I don't have the same risks (pre-term labor in my brothers case and the cord was wrapped around my sisters neck, which is common in that type of defect).

In any case, I was such a daddy's girl that my father always said I would have eaten her out of jealousy anyway. Thanks dad!

So this morning, after Ryan left for work, I lay snuggled up with my little son. I dream more vividly in this time after Ryan leaves and since I've been pregnant, it's pretty crazy.

My family and I were at some sort of Asian restaurant with a big group of people. We got a private room, sort of Japanese style, but they were regular tables. Our view was Lake Michigan, so I assumed somehow that we were in Chicago. My dad was there, and for some reason, he wasn't dead (usually even when I dream about him, I know he's dead). He also was having a really involved discussion with someone and wouldn't talk to me. My mom was at another table. Then a shorter-than-me, younger-than-me, build-more-like-my-mom's woman sat down and said "I'm your sister Kate". I was really excited and had my mom come over, but she didn't really seem interested. They had sort of similar hair styles, Kate's dyed bright red tones with a few blonde streaks on one side. She told me about things she'd shared with me, childhood stuff, friends. Times when she'd been by my side. We talked and laughed for a while. We didn't talk about Dad. Then she told me she loved me and it was time for her to go and a waiter came with dessert and I was distracted. I turned at the last moment to tell her I love her, and to visit me more, but I'm jumpy so be careful not to scare me, and she faded away. Immediately I was woken by Maddie who came to tell me the tooth fairy had come. Good timing.

I'm puzzled by this dream. Though I have a good intuition, I don't have dreams that come true (not that this one would...). I do however suspect that in your altered mental state of sleep, you are closer to a different spectrum of life. Just as I suspect young children are in that state as well. I don't think every dream is someone trying to reach out to you (gosh, especially in my case. I dream so nutty!), but maybe in some occasions, a loved one can reach out to you if you're receptive.

Shortly after my mother's father died, I had a dream about him where he was checking up on my mother. In real life, he would call me after not being able to reach her, just to make sure she was alive. In the dream, I called him out for being dead, he acknowledged it and said he was just checking on her. He was, as usual, not able to reach her! I told him she was ok, he thanked me and vanished!

I always feel better after dreaming of my dad, though, again, I don't think that every dream is a "transmission". Some, I do think he's just reminding me that he's always around.

Maybe this is my sister's way of telling me I'm having a girl, being able to give my daughter the sister I've never had. Who knows!

This is the first time she's come to me in a dream and I hope it's not her last.

My Benito

I feel like I have to be fair. Thats mommy guilt for ya.

My little son has the ability to break down my hard heart, my furiousness, my raging homones with one look. After screaming at his sister and storming out, he asked if he could come with me. No, I needed some time to myself. I pulled out of the driveway and looked back to see a small frowning face in the window. The sadness in his eyes making mine well up as only the wonderful hormones of pregnancy can do. He can reduce me to tears and make me feel bad in a way his sister never can do. I am, in turn, easier on him because of the way he can break my heart.

Then there is the insane hilariousness. This morning, he gets a lemon creme cookie from the cupboard and puts it in a tupperware container. Before closing the lid, he gives it a little pet and and tells me "he likes it in his house". Then he asks me to read him, Lambie and Cookie (capital C) a story! Of all the things that we could have as a pet we choose a cookie?

I love that in the night, when I tuck them in after they're sleeping (turn them around so they're on the pillow, straighten the blankets) I whisper "I love You" and he mumbles back "uf oo".

I wonder if sending him off to school will be harder. I mean, his crazy energy sometimes gets the better of me (especially now), but him and I are on the same team.

A New Era

I sent her off today. Her life has been primed for this moment since her birth; the day she'll leave my influence and become her own person.

Who am I kidding. She has NEVER been "mine" the way other daughters are with their mothers. She's not "mine" the way even Bennett is.

She has always been her own person. When the time rolled around for babies to get strange, for them to shy away from new things and people, she never once looked back for me. Even when I was pregnant with her, I had this feeling like she thought she could do it better without my help.

But this morning was the one she has been looking forward to since the last day of preschool. She awoke with wonder in her greenish brown eyes, rubbed the sleep from them and sat up abruptly. She wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered "greatest mom ever". This surprised me for a few reasons. #1, Maddie is not an easy waker, like her mother. We have been working on getting up at 7:30 for the past few weeks, instead of her normal 9 with mixed results. #2, Maddie does not generally give me such open displays of affection. Her daddy, yes, but me not so much. Without her knowing, I crave those unasked for kisses and hugs, the "i love you's" that come from her heart, not just a response. They are my crack. This morning alone got me through an hour of time where I was certain tears were going to flow.

She cannot wait for tomorrow when she gets to go on the bus with her friend next door, Leah.

I won't be there to ease her confusion. To direct her where to go. Will she be lost in the sea of kids figuring it all out themselves? I will have to trust my training in her to do the right thing, ask for help, guide others.

I'm also going to miss my helper at home! She loves to be helpful with Eli and Ben, my second pair of eyes when I can't watch every moment.

I miss her already!

too long

...haven't felt well...I have something in my head, but I'm not ready to post it here. We'll see what it brings.

My unusual children.

At the playground

Time: 1:30am. Place : My Bed. Scene: BEN wakes up because he went to bed at 7pm, and asks if he can climb in with us. He lays down and snuggles in. Soon, there is a disturbance in the Force.

BEN: Mommy? Can you close the door so the monsters don't get in?

MOMMY: Ben, there aren't any monsters! There only kinds of monsters there are are Elmo and Telley Monster and they are nice good monsters. There are no bad monster in our house, I promise. OK?

BEN: Ok, Mommy can you close the door so the monsters don't get in?

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Time : The afternoon. Place: Rite Aid. Scene: Mommy needs some medicine for her sore throat. She is having trouble getting Ben to hold her hand due to the odd way he is walking.

MOMMY: Ben. BEN Hold my hand.

BEN: No, mommy, I can't.

Mommy: Why not? (still observing the strange way he's walking) What are you doing?

BEN: (Facing sideways, Arms out, legs apart, doing little jumps to go forward) I'm web surfing. Sort of like this, but sideways. Here he was a bird

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At the Playground

Time: Afternoon. Place: The Park. Scene: shortly after we arrive to the deserted park, another family arrives with girls around Maddie's age. Maddie immediately runs up to them.

MADDIE: Look! We have almost the same SHOES! I'm 5 and there are my Easter shoes, but I can wear them to play now.

GIRL: yours have a bow, so they're not the same.

Other GIRL: I'm 5!

MADDIE: Wellll, there the same shape and yours just doesn't have a bow so there's really close! Wanna go play princesses?

GIRL and OTHER GIRL: ok.

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The last one is is different format, because it's not quite the same.

Maddie's Violin teacher is Mr. Jorgji, and older (I'm assuming) Russian man. I've only taken Maddie to lessons a few times, because Ryan likes to do it. But yesterday, I took her. Maddie has started to read the notes without any help from the book, e.i. it used to say what the note was on top of the note, now that has gone away, so she's actually reading the music. Yes, she makes some mistakes, but he says I don't have any other students like her at this age. She remembers everything, she wants to do it and she good at it! He seems slightly amazed at her. He had always told us that since she is so young, the process is a little different. Her muscles don't recall the same way ours do. But he seems thrilled with her progress. I'm not saying she a genius! But she's doing a great job for such a small girl!

These Happy Golden Years

Yeah, I found a box of my old books and re-read some of them. I hope to look fondly back at these times and forget all of the trying ones. Right now, though I'm working on being patient.

I vowed to myself while I was in Vegas that I would appreciate them more, understand them more, work with them more. They are babies, and I forget sometimes that they are because they are so good and advanced that they are going to have meltdowns. They are going to push their limits. My job is to respond with love, not a meltdown of my own.

Now, I'm SO not perfect, but if I can strive for peace, I can see it in the distance. My children will not be small for very much longer. Maddie is already off to Kindergarten this year and I'm planning for next fall when she's in first grade. FIRST GRADE? I clearly remember first grade like it was yesterday. Cassie was my seat neighbor and always talked to me and got me in trouble. Trevor was a big baby who had to go "potty" every three minutes. Matt Reed was the cute boy who put one hand over his heart and one behind his back while we said the Pledge of Allegiance. ~sigh~ He moved to California and I never got a chance. My dad called my teacher Ms. Lembke Ms. Lumpy and she didn't really like me. The smell of the Paiste in the giant jars (not the taste!), having to scoop it out with sticks and put it on paper towels to carry to our desks.

My daughter will soon have these memories.

I'll catch you, Daddy!

Right now we're working (sort of) diligently on potty training Ben. He's poo'd in the potty three times now, which is a HUGE improvement. But our main issue is now his desire to "be like Tank", my MIL's Yorkie, who "pees outside". Our neighbor has caught Ben three times dropping trow and peeing all over the deck "like Tank". He thinks it's funny. I don't! Maddie would have never thought to pee outside!

Maddie on Father's day, sending a message to Grandpa Don

Maddie spent Saturday at the Zoo with her cousins for her birthday. Her cousin's birthday is 10 days before hers, so it's nice we can do stuff together. She spent the night Friday, zoo'd Saturday, then after church on Sunday went to her friend Nate's house for a few hours. She fell asleep in the car on the way home and didn't wake up until 6 am this morning. Then she climbed in with me and slept 2 more hours! 17 hours!

As for us, we're trying to sell the condo, Ryan is cutting down trees in the back yard and I'm desperately trying to keep up with the housework. It's not going so well, but at least I'm trying.

The getaway

Ryan and I planned an "adult" vacation earlier this year, thinking this may be the best time to get away. Our kids are old enough to be away from for a short while, we have a little money.

After planned the trip, we decided to buy our house, which sort of negated the whole money thing.

But we stayed at the Club 36, a Bluegreen Resort that opened last September. I wasn't thrilled with the idea of going to Vegas (I prefer less tourist-y vacations) but since the opportunity was there and Ryan wanted to go, I was game. Besides, I needed a vacation!

We decided to go on our anniversary and both of us had the idea of getting our vows renewed. Only one of us was set on having them done by Elvis (hint: it wasn't me). We eventually decided to rent a motorcycle and make a day out of some of the areas attractions that didn't involve gambling.

We settled on going to see Red Rock Canyon and Mt. Charleston, both within an hour or so of Vegas.

When we arrived in Las Vegas, it was a scorching 104 degrees. We had pretty much had it, so we turned up the air conditioning and fell right asleep. When we awoke 6 ish hours later, it was still a stifling 85 in our room, with no breeze. EH! The air was broke...they had to fix it. Then we set off toward the Strip, which was about a 20 minute walk.

It felt like we walked for 6 hours.

We arrived at the MGM Grand Casino, which was the closest major Casino to our resort. Even at 10 am, there were people everywhere and lights flashing. We walked though and out the other side to The Strip. We passed New York, New York across the street and walked though some pretty major construction of what someone called a "City Center", a new complex of restaurants and a casino and hotels. We stopped at the Harley-Davidson cafe for a drink and saw that they had a "Chopper Chapel". I suggested that I would be much happier with that instead of Elvis.

When we got back to the resort, we were informed that there is a shuttle that goes back and forth to MGM. Hm. We're dumb.

Wednesday we awoke bright and early to get our Motorcycle at Las Vegas Harley-Davidson. We rented a Black Electraglide and head off toward Red Rock Canyon, which was about 1/2 hour away. It was an amazing place. We rode the 15 mile trail, stopping once to get a better look, but we weren't equipt for a trail walk. Someday I'll go back and hike it.

Next we were off to Mt. Charleston, but somehow, we missed the turn off and went all the way around the mountains to Parhump (which is where all the brothels are). It was an amazing ride nevertheless, Ryan going 90 mph for long stretches because there wasn't another car in sight. The mountains were all around us. We rode about 200 miles in all that day.

Later that night we decided to check out the casinos. We went though Monte Carlo, Bellagio, Paris.

Each has a unique theme, Monte Carlo, Moroccan; Bellagio, Italian, with beautiful umbrella sized blown glass flowers overhead and an indoor greenhouse. Paris in situated under a replica Eiffel Tower, and inside the ceiling is painted to look like the sky. It was our favorite. We gambled a little in each, favoring the Roulette tables as usual, and pretty much broke even.

Thursday we vegged. I think we napped until 2. Then later in the evening we explored Excalibur, where we ate dinner; Luxor, which looks like a Pyramid and even the inside is shaped like one; and Mandalay Bay, where we saw the Shark Reef Exhibit. Then we went to Planet Hollwood to see a show called "The Mentalist" which was really crazy. We couldn't figure out how he knew all that stuff about people!

Friday we got married. ( it was also Sara's birthday and I did not call her. I DID facebook her, but it wasn't good enough and I'm sorry) We did go for the Chopper Chapel, and it was a beautiful service. The minister called it "refreshing" our vows, because we wanted to restate our love for one another, not because something had gone wrong! Afterward we ate lunch and everyone stared at me because I was in a wedding dress. It was a good time!

We went back to MGM nad played Roulette for a while. I was up, Ryan down, so again we were breaking even. But it's hard to win the "Big Money" when you're only playing with $40. We cashed out and went to a Japanese restaurant called Shibuya and ate some yummy sushi. It was so beautiful inside, we didn't want to leave! We went back to the resort for a little swim, when got ready to leave. I definately had a better time than I expected!