The Proud New Owners of 11935 Barbara Ann

I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. Last night, at quarter to 11 our friend/real estate agent Scott called us to say he JUST got an email saying we got the house. The other lady who was the agent for the house knew Friday, but didn't email Scott until SUNDAY NIGHT!

Now I'm in crazy mode, thinking about all the things that need to be done, things we want to do in the future, things we have to do to the condo to sell it.

I'm just so happy to have a yard! I want to say, "Go outside and play!" to my kids!

We're in for a lot of work, clean up and such, but since it's livable we won't have to do anything major to move in, just paint and flooring. OH MY GOSH! Thanks for everyone's prayers and good thoughts. I know it was my army who made this happen!

Stuff.

Once again, it's my turn to support. I don't mean that sarcastically, or spitefully. I knew it was coming. So now I have to figure out how to go about it.

On a different note but an update to an older post, I found the song I had been looking for for SO SO LONG. I had posted about a song that went "do do doo do do" a while ago and I thought I found it. This morning on the way to church, we were listening to "Beatle Brunch" as we always do. A song came on and my heart felt like it had dropped into my feet. "But", I thought, "I don't know this song!" But I did! I asked mom and she said he played it all the time. Anyway I listened (am listening) to the John Denver version and wow... THIS is it. I can hear my father singing this song to me. I feel almost relieved, like I had been waiting so long and I have finally found it, though it wasn't something I knew I was looking for.

Garden Ridge

a.k.a the most unusual conglomeration of things available at a store.

We've got....

Hats and bathing suits and sundresses and cookies and plants and sofas (Maddie, when did you start calling them "sofa's"?) and pictures and mirrors and books and party supplies and plastic totes and baskets and patio furniture and vases and toys and purses and stools and yoga mats and scrub and underwear and shoes (haa haa haa) WHEW a person could get lost in there!

It's kinda like Target with less organization.

We did buy a few things I needed, totes and a workout mat, for one (or two). I also bought a few thing I didn't need, a baseball picture for Ben and a wall hanger thing for both of them (for three).

You could wander in there for hours and not see everything. That is until your two-year-old starts throwing a fit about cookies.

Quick word

About stability ball class..

It was great! Hard, but different. Then I woke up yesterday with shooting pains up and down my arms. HOLY smokes! That ball is killer!

I'll go back anyway, though :)

Today

Though I feel the anxiety bubbling up just beneath the surface, I have made the determination to have a good day. Had some lost sleep last night, due to munchkins, but still I stand strong, energetic, motivated. I've gotta push through.

I'm going to a stability ball workout class, which I have never done before. I try to do Zumba twice a week for cardio, then one other class for toning. I just re-started my working out after surgery so I don't want to kill myself. I had been doing Zumba three times a week with a Iron-Yoga thrown in. I'd like to add an elliptical workout one day as well.

Tonight is small group, I forgot I wanted to make cinnimon rolls, but maybe I'll just get some at the store. Cheating, I know.

Ryan put a bid on the house yesterday. We will know in a few days whether or not it was accepted. I want to know NOW. I want to call the bank and politely request to push the paperwork through. I will be patient. I will be patient. I WILL be patient!!

Anxiety

I can handle stuff. I'm not stoic, or unfeeling, and I have my moments, but generally, I can get through without having a major meltdown. When I was pregnant with Bennett, I was riddled with this anxious fear that something was going to go wrong. I never felt that way with Maddie, and I chalked it up to hormones. Boy vs. girl. I don't even usually get PMS, so it was a crazy roller coaster time for me.

So why am I feeling this anxiety now? (I'm not pregnant). We're trying to put an offer on a house today and I'm freaking out. We've looked at a bunch of houses, we've been in this situation before, so why do I feel like I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for the bomb to drop?

I KNOW. I know that if we don't get this house, it wasn't meant to be. I am so clear on that. There are TONS of houses out there, and one has our name on it. Part of the problem is that Mr. Stoic Himself told me yesterday that he REALLY wants this house. Oh. So for a week you give me no indication that you are seriously interested, then you lay it on me? I'm the one who found the house, so I feel like I will be letting him down if we don't get it.

Last night while soaking I the tub I found a passage that fit pretty well. Daniel is trying to guess what Nebuchadnezzars dream was, so he goes to his friends and prays with them. God gives them the answer. So last night I put out a request on Facebook (what would we do without Facebook?) to my friends and asked them for help. In just a few minutes I got 7 replies. I need an army to help me out on this one!

Mercy

Yesterday was a bad mommy day. Like one for the books. I didn't beat them or neglect them, but they did every little thing possible to get on my nerves and do whatever I didn't want them to do. I lost it. More than once.

I should be patient. I should be loving. I should understand that my children are very small. I lost it. Maddie says I scare her when I scream. Instead of being shamed, I replied, 'If you'd listen to me, I wouldn't scream!' Great logic, huh?

So I resolved to be a better mommy today (real helpful when you don't fall asleep until 4am, then wake up 6 minutes later to a 4 year old wanting to snuggle). So I opened my Bible this morning after pouring cereal and read a few lines about going to God FIRST before you screw up so bad that you can't redeem yourself. Ah. Yesterday I should have put MYSELF in time out. Reflected. Relaxed. Talked with my little hellions and had a better day. Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe that should be Godsight. Anyway, while I was reading this, the light from the window was falling over my Bible and I realized it was a rainbow. To me, it meant God was giving me another chance. God's promise not to destroy the world again after he had already done so shows me even I get a second chance, and a third and so on. My kids still love me. God still loves me and hey, he's got a Son so he knows what I'm going through.

Rituals.

Long long ago when I was a new Mommy, I had a difficult baby in the sleeping department. She had to be held and rocked to sleep every night. And if we happened to wake her up while laying her down, we had to start the entire process over from scratch. I'm so glad we stuck to our guns back then, because she's such a good sleeper now.

Anyway, Way back in the olden days, we tried everything to get her to sleep. So I tried to think of some songs to sing. Hm. I seem to know NO nursery rhyme-type songs. On top of that, I'm not a very good singer. I know plenty of Dixie Chicks songs, but they aren't really conducive to sleep, more to dance. I remembered all the times with my dad, in the bedroom listening to him sing and play his guitar and wished for a recording. Bummer. But I also remembered a song he sang to us, and had sung to my mom, called "I Will" by the Beatles. Well, I can manage this! Short, right in my range, with the added family history! Awesome! So I've been singing it for 4.5 years now, to both of them. Even Ben knows some of the lyrics. Tonight Maddie asked me to print the lyrics so she could sing it in the microphone with Ryan, so I did, and Ryan requested the Tab. We sat in the music room and sang our song together.

It's really a good mommy/child song. Maddie loves the part where is says
"Love you whenever we're together, love you when we're apart"
and it's a true thing for us, a reminder that no matter where I am, I will love her (them). Another legacy from my dad, and so wonderful for our family.

6 Days 'Til Spring!

We thought it was nice enough after dinner to take a stroll around the neighborhood,so we out on our jackets and headed out. AH! 45 feels like 70! Just having the sun on our faces was cathartic. Ryan and I were so surprised at how a few short months changes our children. We've made this walk before dozens and dozens of times, sometimes to the mailbox, sometimes to the little store, but this was this first time we've not had to carry anyone! Ben was a trooper, keeping up the whole time and not running away. It felt good to have the air on our faces, loosen the muscles in our legs, share some family time.

Things I love

Roses with one pink and one white in a sea of red.
Getting an unasked for snuggle from Maddie (Oh how I long or those!).
Getting thanked 3 times (with squeezing hugs)by Ben for some new shoes.
Sliding under the covers and the bed is already warm.
New make-up to play with.
Taking the new shoes off my children before I go to bed, because they insisted on sleeping with them on (this is from children who won't sleep with socks on!)
Knowing what is for dinner tonight.
Blue skies and sun, even if it is only 23 degrees.
Anticipation of a vacation.
Only changing diapers 3-4 times a day, rather than 8.
The line on my finger from my wedding ring.
Getting a really good picture.
Listening to my children talk to each other before they fall asleep.
Hearing Ben say "Daddy, you are my best friend"
Kissing without being attached by a sharp, pointy beard.

amazed.

It's so crazy to look at another human and see...yourself. This has happened twice now in the past few days. Maddie was dancing (when is she not) and she was stretching her long gazelle legs and I looked at her and I thought, "HEY! those are MY legs, Give 'em back!"

We were at a birthday party on Saturday and Liam our cousin took a picture of me, sort of fake smiling, and then later a picture of Maddie. On facebook, I was blown away. I don't think we look that similar, though people tell me all the time that we do, but our smiles were scarily IDENTICAL! Same shape, same fake-ness. The only difference is that she shows more gums, like my mom. But I don't ever see it because she has Ryan's eyes. But when I showed Ryan he said "yeah, so? This is not new." Why don't I see it everyday?

On a different topic, but still amazed, I can't believe the things these kids remember! I guess living with a husband that can barely remember his own name half of the time (love you sweetie, but it's true), I feel a little taken aback when my 2 year old asks if we're going to the belly doctor today to fix his yucky belly. I know I told him once or twice, LAST WEEK, but yeah, we're going today. Maddie remembers details from back when she was 2. I shouldn't be surprised at this, because I remember what I think is my two year birthday party, but I thought I was some kind of freak! I think I equate intelligence with memory sometimes because I have this immense library of stuff in my head. I call myself the Queen of Useless Knowledge. People think I'm smart, but really I just have the ability to recall everything I've every read, heard about or seen. It does get a little silly sometimes and I think I will stop having space for new things soon.

Coming at me from every side.

Can nothing in my life be smooth?

Every part of my life is a mess. My relationships, my house, my kids, my self. When can I catch up? I don't sleep, I fight with everyone, I get nothing accomplished. I feel like a zombie.

I get no help. And when I ask for help, I get bull. Everyday I move farther and farther into the land of no return. I don't even know where to start.

I looked up a house online the other day. The condo at the end of our complex, where the lady died. Oh, it's only $35000 less than what we owe on ours. AHHHHHH! We will never get out of here! We have so much work to do it isn't funny. But I can't get my husband to take out the trash, much less finish a job he started in November, so where does that leave me?

Ben has a doctors appointment on Thursday, but I decided to take dairy out of his diet and see what that does. So far, it had changed his poo to solid, regular-ish poo! I cannot be happier about that. I'm still taking him to see what he's allergic to, dairy or lactose, or anything else.

So why do I feel this way? I don't even have the energy to finish this post, or make sense of it, let alone get dressed and ready for the day. Hell, the day is half over.

Planning (continued)

Where I am lacking in the planning category, my daughter seems to have decided something for me.

Her new favorite thing to draw is our family. Labeled with names, outfits and in height order, they are very cute. I opened a piece of paper to see what she had drawn and it was, as usual, Ryan, Me, Maddie, Ben and another small person next to Ben labeled "Olivea". When I asked her about this person, she replied "Oh, that's when I get my baby sister." And went back to whatever she was doing.

I do hope to have another baby, but she won't be named OlivEa. Though I did have a Great-great Aunt Olive.

I'm so depressed that the weather is supposed to be awful this week. It's better than 10 degrees, but 72 in the car on the way home from the zoo was AWESOME! It makes me want to crawl back into my shell and forget all the things I wanted to accomplish.

• Go to the DIA


• In two weeks, take at least Maddie to see Despereaux for free at MJR.


• Ice skating


• GO TO THE PARK!!


• plant a garden

I can't wait for the farmers market to open. The Lavender festival during Maddie's birthday weekend. Swimming in Grammy's pool. Birthday Tiger's game. Wolcott Farm. I want to find some new things to do to.

~sigh~ I can look forward to tomorrow, when some friends start my week off right. I run around trying to straighten, though they know I'm a terrible housekeeper anyway. It makes me do a bunch of stuff I'd put off and we have some fun girl-talk.

Plans

I sit around and make plans in my head. But do I ever do the things I plan? No. ~sigh~ I need to get some motivation. I think this winter has kicked my butt, emotionally and physically. Time to put the darkness and gloom behind me and look toward the future. Starting tomorrow. It will be one of the first nice days. We WILL go out! We will play! I will take pictures and wear my kids out :)

I had decided even before Ben was born that we were going to hold him back a year. 9 days to the cut off is too close to comfort for me. I'd rather him be the oldest than the youngest. Right now is Little Lambs registration and I was trying to decide whether or not to put him in 2 day 3 year preschool. I thought maybe what we could do was preschool him normally (when it doesn't really matter) then either do two years of kindergarden or pre-k. Ryan didn't want to start him this year for one main reason: Maddie didn't go to 3 year preschool. Ben on the other hand, is begging me, practically every day to "go to school?" I think it would be good for him, but I'm not sure yet.

Workout

My gym membership expired in December, right around the time I discovered I was pregnant. So haven't gone in a while, due to circumstances. Right around the time when I decided to re-up my membership, I got a call from a different gym saying that I had won a two-Year membership. ? I didn't enter any contests? But somehow I had won second prize (first being a car :( )When they said they had classes, tanning (not that I'd use that) a pool and such, I said,

why not?

They had the same class I had been taking faithfully, Zumba, a mix of Latin, Hip Hop, Belly dancing and such. It's really fun and addicting. But I like my old teacher :( This one isn't bad, but the hardest part is that there is some of the same music, but different routines. My brain kept wanting to do something completely different.
I did have fun, though.My incision only hurt a little right at the end. It came back to me so quickly. All that dancing to the "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack must have helped. Johnny's mambo is my favorite.

attention spans.

My son has a record breaking attention span. Not in a good way. He plays games on the computer, you know, Noggin or PBS kids. But before the game can load, he's already clicked on another character! He begged me to play guitar hero with him. I had other ideas, but I like to spend some time with him. After 1.5 songs, he's off to the basement. WHAT? I'm stuck here playing "Hey Man, Nice Shot" and you're playing trains?

Maddie on the other hand can persevere. This weekend, we went to the 58th annual MECA dinner dance, where Ryan was installed as the Secretary. In the centerpiece was a giant sucker. I brought it home for them to share, but when I opened it, it cracked into about 20 pieces. They both were thrilled to eat candy so they didn't mind the broken pieces. I was expecting an all out war wanting it "fixed". Later, after Ben had moved on, Maddie took the biggest piece, which was still stuck to the stick. That was 12:30pm. It's now almost 5 and she's still working on it.