Sisters...sisters...

I dreamt about my sister this early morning.

I don't have a sister. At least not one living.

When I was 2, my mother lost my sister at 7 months. She rarely talks about it, partly due to the fact that she got pregnant with my brother shortly after then had him at 7 months. My dad talked about it a little more, but now, and in my child birthing age, I don't really have any answers. My obstetrician said it was most likely due to the fact that my mother only has one ovary and half her uterus (and kidney, which was the cause of her hospital stay in July). Dr. Blake reassured me that because I have both, I don't have the same risks (pre-term labor in my brothers case and the cord was wrapped around my sisters neck, which is common in that type of defect).

In any case, I was such a daddy's girl that my father always said I would have eaten her out of jealousy anyway. Thanks dad!

So this morning, after Ryan left for work, I lay snuggled up with my little son. I dream more vividly in this time after Ryan leaves and since I've been pregnant, it's pretty crazy.

My family and I were at some sort of Asian restaurant with a big group of people. We got a private room, sort of Japanese style, but they were regular tables. Our view was Lake Michigan, so I assumed somehow that we were in Chicago. My dad was there, and for some reason, he wasn't dead (usually even when I dream about him, I know he's dead). He also was having a really involved discussion with someone and wouldn't talk to me. My mom was at another table. Then a shorter-than-me, younger-than-me, build-more-like-my-mom's woman sat down and said "I'm your sister Kate". I was really excited and had my mom come over, but she didn't really seem interested. They had sort of similar hair styles, Kate's dyed bright red tones with a few blonde streaks on one side. She told me about things she'd shared with me, childhood stuff, friends. Times when she'd been by my side. We talked and laughed for a while. We didn't talk about Dad. Then she told me she loved me and it was time for her to go and a waiter came with dessert and I was distracted. I turned at the last moment to tell her I love her, and to visit me more, but I'm jumpy so be careful not to scare me, and she faded away. Immediately I was woken by Maddie who came to tell me the tooth fairy had come. Good timing.

I'm puzzled by this dream. Though I have a good intuition, I don't have dreams that come true (not that this one would...). I do however suspect that in your altered mental state of sleep, you are closer to a different spectrum of life. Just as I suspect young children are in that state as well. I don't think every dream is someone trying to reach out to you (gosh, especially in my case. I dream so nutty!), but maybe in some occasions, a loved one can reach out to you if you're receptive.

Shortly after my mother's father died, I had a dream about him where he was checking up on my mother. In real life, he would call me after not being able to reach her, just to make sure she was alive. In the dream, I called him out for being dead, he acknowledged it and said he was just checking on her. He was, as usual, not able to reach her! I told him she was ok, he thanked me and vanished!

I always feel better after dreaming of my dad, though, again, I don't think that every dream is a "transmission". Some, I do think he's just reminding me that he's always around.

Maybe this is my sister's way of telling me I'm having a girl, being able to give my daughter the sister I've never had. Who knows!

This is the first time she's come to me in a dream and I hope it's not her last.

My Benito

I feel like I have to be fair. Thats mommy guilt for ya.

My little son has the ability to break down my hard heart, my furiousness, my raging homones with one look. After screaming at his sister and storming out, he asked if he could come with me. No, I needed some time to myself. I pulled out of the driveway and looked back to see a small frowning face in the window. The sadness in his eyes making mine well up as only the wonderful hormones of pregnancy can do. He can reduce me to tears and make me feel bad in a way his sister never can do. I am, in turn, easier on him because of the way he can break my heart.

Then there is the insane hilariousness. This morning, he gets a lemon creme cookie from the cupboard and puts it in a tupperware container. Before closing the lid, he gives it a little pet and and tells me "he likes it in his house". Then he asks me to read him, Lambie and Cookie (capital C) a story! Of all the things that we could have as a pet we choose a cookie?

I love that in the night, when I tuck them in after they're sleeping (turn them around so they're on the pillow, straighten the blankets) I whisper "I love You" and he mumbles back "uf oo".

I wonder if sending him off to school will be harder. I mean, his crazy energy sometimes gets the better of me (especially now), but him and I are on the same team.

A New Era

I sent her off today. Her life has been primed for this moment since her birth; the day she'll leave my influence and become her own person.

Who am I kidding. She has NEVER been "mine" the way other daughters are with their mothers. She's not "mine" the way even Bennett is.

She has always been her own person. When the time rolled around for babies to get strange, for them to shy away from new things and people, she never once looked back for me. Even when I was pregnant with her, I had this feeling like she thought she could do it better without my help.

But this morning was the one she has been looking forward to since the last day of preschool. She awoke with wonder in her greenish brown eyes, rubbed the sleep from them and sat up abruptly. She wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered "greatest mom ever". This surprised me for a few reasons. #1, Maddie is not an easy waker, like her mother. We have been working on getting up at 7:30 for the past few weeks, instead of her normal 9 with mixed results. #2, Maddie does not generally give me such open displays of affection. Her daddy, yes, but me not so much. Without her knowing, I crave those unasked for kisses and hugs, the "i love you's" that come from her heart, not just a response. They are my crack. This morning alone got me through an hour of time where I was certain tears were going to flow.

She cannot wait for tomorrow when she gets to go on the bus with her friend next door, Leah.

I won't be there to ease her confusion. To direct her where to go. Will she be lost in the sea of kids figuring it all out themselves? I will have to trust my training in her to do the right thing, ask for help, guide others.

I'm also going to miss my helper at home! She loves to be helpful with Eli and Ben, my second pair of eyes when I can't watch every moment.

I miss her already!

too long

...haven't felt well...I have something in my head, but I'm not ready to post it here. We'll see what it brings.