Check, Check

As many/most/all of you know, Ryan is a musician. I also am one, or was, and I come from a musical family. I have always assumed my kids were going to be musically inclined also.

I never thought it would be like this.

We have a bedroom in the basement that has be turned into the "Music Room". Ryan's drums, guitars and equipment are there, as well as a little keyboard. The room is ready for Band Practice. The kids have always been allowed to play with the instruments, as long as they are used as instruments and with respect. They love to jam with Daddy. It started way back before Ben was born, Maddie and Ryan would play the drums together. Then our little drum obsessed boy discovered them. He is so funny. Recently, Ryan let him use one of his real guitars to jam. It was hilarious! Maddie usually has the keys, Ryan guitar, Ben drums. We have a whole band :)

This afternoon I got home from my haircut to find them downstairs. Ben was dragging a chair over to the keys and Maddie had a seat for herself and a bear as the audience. Ben sits down, swings the microphone over and says,
"Check, check"

I almost died.

fancy-schmancy

Ryan bought it. I don't particularly like any pictures of myself, as I tend to nit-pick and it depresses me. But in this one, my nose doesn't look too long and my eyes aren't squinty. I wish someone had told me to fix my hair, though.

This is a picture that is what I hope I really look like. You know, you look at a picture of yourself and think, whoa, is that what everyone else is seeing? Yuck! But this one is closer to what I think I look like. There was another that I posted on facebook that is ok, but we were about to go snorkeling and I had no make-up on. Sara liked it. Eh, me not so much.

I always love pictures of Ryan. He always looks like himself. He always has a beautiful smile(except in this one. I don't know why he didn't. It's his "proud" pose. The one he uses in our family portraits). It wasn't hard to choose which one to get for him because they were all good. I think out of 10 I liked 2. Well, didn't hate.

Different.

I don't love my children any more or less than the other. True, I love them differently because they are different people, but I don't love them any AMOUNT different.

Discipline on the other hand is a more complicated issue.

Why do I shrink at the idea of punishing Ben, but almost feel better when I punish Maddie?

It's not something that is new. I have always felt a little satisfaction when I swat her behind, or pinch her bum. I always feel bad when I do the same to Ben. For both, I gather them in my arms and talk to them about it. But I feel this smug-ness after I punish her.

Do I feel she is intentionally choosing bad behavior? Mostly yes. I don't like to punish for accidents. Carelessness, maybe. She thinks it out, chooses the wrong thing. Ben's behavior is mostly tantrums, not hurting others (or taking away). I think I am to blame for some of these for not understanding.

This is not to say I don't discipline Ben. I spanked him at the store last week when he ran away three times. I try not to discipline (spank) in anger, but this time I had lost it. Mostly, I can grab him, hold on to him and figure out why he's flipping out. Maddie never really tantrum-ed out like Ben does. She was just intentionally bad.

Tonight she hit him for no apparent reason. She was pissed because he got to use the Wii wheel. She wanted him to play with a no-battery remote, like wee occasionally do. She flipped when he actually played for real.

I did not handle the discipline, which was a pinch. She said to Ryan "You hurt my feelings and my heart. You need to say you're sorry!"

This may seem cruel, but I have implemented a "do as you do" approach. If you hit Ben, I'm going to hit you. If you push him down, I'm going to push you down. So you know how it feels. I've only had to do it once or twice.

On the other hand, they are both very considerate of each other. Ben got a cookie today and insisted that sister have one too. At the dentist, Maddie picked out a Spiderman sticker for Ben. Why the polarization? Love/Hate. Pick one please so I know what to expect!

A new worry.

TMI Alert: This is about poo.

Something has been nagging my mommy brain for a little while.

I have always kept a careful watch on my children's bowel movements. Not obsessively, but I watched Dr. Oz and he confirmed my suspicions: a happy colon is a happy body.

Ben does not have a happy colon. At first I caulked it up to baby-poo. Then, when I asked his doctor, she suggested maybe he ate a lot of fruit? Yes. Could be the issue. When I took fruit away, nothing changed. Hm. Then my cousin Andy and his wife Amy came over to visit. Amy has Celiac disease. She explained it to me in greater detail and I became concerned that Ben may have something related.

Then, today when he was returned to me, he poo'd excessively. 4 times, all weird, full of non-digested food. Peanuts, oats, cherry(I think). No poo just food. Weird. I called mom and asked her what she fed him, anything different. No. But she said the poo had been weird all weekend.

I called the pediatrician.
Now we have an appointment with a gastroenterologist. Eh.

Web MD (the worst website ever for a mother with a potentially sick child) suggested it could be Celiac disease, or Crohns. Or maybe an allergy.

Please be an allergy.

He doesn't seem sick. Or different. So happy to wrap his tiny arms around me and squeeze. I really did miss them so much. This will be another hurdle to cross. Another worry to add to the list.
Please send some prayers his way.

Non-Reality.

In the past, I had no desire to go on a cruise. Four years ago, We went with Ryan's work and customers, but I was still nursing, so we took 5 month old Maddie. It wasn't easy, but we still managed to have a good time. I don't remember much of it :)

This time, we went again with the K/E crew, but we went ALONE. I didn't realize how much fun it really was.

Someone to feed you, at any time of the day.

Someone to clean your room and make your bed.

Someone to tell you where to be.

Someone to help you decide what outfit to wear what night because of the dress code.

No one to clean up after, no one to change, no one to feed, put down for naps, put to bed.

It was a great non-reality. I didn't want to return to my real reality.

We started in Miami, then went to Key West. We were supposed to snorkel, but it was very windy and they cancelled it. So we and a few costumers we were supposed to go with went into town. We found an infamous bar called Sloppy Joe's. It was 5 of us, then 7, then 9. then about 12 people came in together. Suddenly, about 40 K/E people were drinking it up in a section of this bar. Ryan looks at his uncle and asks "You're going to OK my expense report for this, right?"

The next day we docked in Puerta Maya on Cozumel, which had been destroyed by Wilma in 2005, about 9 months after we had been there. We thought it looked different, but didn't know until a guide told us. It was about 80 degrees. We ate a nice lunch with some customers at a restaurant right on the beach, then drank frozen margarita's at a bar called Fat Tuesday's with swings for chairs.

Later we did an excursion called the Amazing Cozumel Race, and went with a couple of customers who missed their snorkeling excursion due to ship time versus island time. They joined our team and we got second place. (First place was some young teens who ran the entire race. Not happening)

We shopped a little, then rejoined the ship. Then next day was the "day at sea". We slept most of this day. I can't figure out why. Then we got up and partied all night. Smart thing right before we had to go home, right?

We saw a comedy show, danced a little, drank a lot. The guys were amazed at my ability to shoot whisky (three times) and walk straight. Got pretend "hit on". Taught Ryan how to salsa with me.

We got about 3 hours of sleep when the alarm went off. But Ryan had acidentally set it for 5 instead of 6 because of the time change issue. ARG! But we had planty of time to hurry up and wait. All Day. At the port. In Fort Lauderdale. At the Ft. Lauderdale airport. At the Memphis airport. Actually that one was a hurry up and run. We only had 30 minutes to get from one gate to another. We did have time to grab a pulled pork sandwich, Memphis smoke style. MMMM.

We were home by midnight. A LONG day.

When can I do it again?

Leavin'.. On A Jet Plane

So tomorrow We leave for our long awaited trip. Everything is ready, we are sooo excited. Mom came and got the kids, she's going to be going back and forth between her house and here as needed. So I only packed an overnight bag, gave Mimi the instructions and sent them off.

Here's the trouble. I miss them already.

I think I would have an easier time if the cared that they were going to see me for an extended period of time. Now, I don't mean crying or fussing, but maybe a half-hearted kiss would count for something! Neither of them even really wanted to kiss me. They were like, Oh, whatever.

I do love that my kids are independent, easy going little things. But give a mom a break!

So off I go, into the great blue beyond. I need this break so badly. The monsters will be fine without me. Probably better than fine. XO babies!
My mom just called. She just got to her house and Ben is passed out. He's also wearing his new sunglasses, which probably helped. I think it takes about 6 minutes to get from here to there :)

Why?

I think God is funny. He likes to make jokes. One joke he likes to play in our house is "How many people can we fit into one queen sized bed when mommy is exhausted?" (The answer is 4). Last night it was "How many times will the smoke detector beep before someone rips it out of the ceiling at 3 am?"


Really, Ryan replaced the batteries, but why in God's name did it have to be 3 am? Why couldn't it be 3 pm? This is not the first time that this has happened, either.


Why do you go on vacation and get your "monthly gift"? (as I am anticipating :( )

Haha! It could be perfect, except for that one tiny thing!

Mommy of the Year

That's right, just pass the trophy right on over.
Today I thought I'd give the kids a treat because Maddie is off of school so we went to Great Lakes Crossing to walk and shop a little and play. First, Ben ran. Then he was tired, so he practically crawled. When we got to the play area, it was filled with about 75000 small children. Crap. I knew this was going to be trouble, especially since he was tired. I watched him like a hawk, but still I lost him. A nice lady brought him back, saying he was practically a mile away. He doesn't care! He just walks away like he knows where the car is and he'll meet me there. I gave him a second chance and almost immediatly, I lost him again! This time, he went for the coin operated cars on the other side of the play area. That's it. You're done. Now, I was not chatting. I wasn't even sitting by my friends, who were still eating. I partly blame it on the design of the area, a circle with two open areas to go in and out. So you have to watch them or they can escape TWO ways. I always watch them very carefully, but I'm not perfect, and there's two of them and one of me. If I am watching one, the other runs away.

~sigh~ Sorry, friends. My parenting skills suck.

Church

Disclaimer: This is about my experiences, not meaning to insult any one who have differing opinion.

I grew up in a very spiritual household. We talked about God, we attending church, and felt the Catholic guilt if we did something wrong. Well, I guess that's not quite right. My dad always made sure we were asking for forgiveness from the right person, namely, Jesus. We attending Saturday evening church growing up, dad played as part of the worship group before that was really a popular thing to do. You know, just the organist and cantor. We were the roadies, the equipment getters, the sound checkers, the (unwanted) back-up singers. We knew the songs backward and forward. I can still hear my dad singing "Isaiah 43".


Off track, sorry. Church was an integral part of our young lives. We love to hear dad sing, so we went to practices and such too. We moved kind of far from our church when I was 14, and never really found somewhere we fit in. Dad dislike some of the things the catholics were doing, so he went on "sabbatical". I don't think he realized that finding a different denomination was an option. Once a catholic, always a catholic, or you will GO TO HELL!!!

I occasionally went with mom to a Catholic church, I occasionally went to Ryan's Lutheran church. I didn't see a whole lot of difference, except some dogma things. We continued to go there until after we got married, but I never felt a true connection. I busied myself with the baby, not really paying attention.

One day Ryan's aunt told us about a new church plant meeting in the gym of her church. They were looking for musicians, so why didn't we go and try it? I hemmed and hawed. I was just starting to get comfortable with Ryan's church, are we joining a cult? I'm not even really Lutheran! We went anyway, but I was very sceptical. We showed up a little early, not sure how the whole thing went, and just from the beginning everyone was kind and eager to make us feel comfortable. One of the first sermons was about how a church need three different types of people in their congregation; seasoned believers, new believers and seekers who know nothing. I thought this was great! Church was always geared to people who knew "exactly" what everything meant! I was a believer, but didn't always understand what the Bible was trying to tell me. We never went back to Ryan's church for regular service.

We did go back yesterday, for a vow renewal of Ryan's parents. Ben was a disaster. He wanted to go "play" right from the start. He didn't understand why he was sitting there! Then, the main reason we decided to make the switch. The Music. How can talented musicians suck all of the life out of a powerful song? I was practically falling asleep! AND they were pronouncing it "UNdescribable" !!~sigh~ Nothing has changed in 3 years.

I feel bad for those who do not have a moving experience while worshiping. My aunt came with us to church while we were meeting at AMC and was amazed at the way the Holy spirit filled the room. Soon after, she decided to take a leap of faith and change churches. Her spiritual journey took a left turn when she saw how it could be.

Tonight we visited with my cousin and his wife who are ministers for Campus Crusade in Chicago. (or something like that, I was going to ask them their precise titles, but I kept forgetting :) ) Nevertheless, they are doing some fantastic work for the Lord. I am SO proud of them! I wish they lived closer, but they're being called out there, and it was brave to follow where you're being called.

Amazed by love

This post is NOT pertaining to Valentines day. It's just Saturday and I finally had a good a day Friday.

Ryan and I have been together since November 23, 1996. We were just 15 when we met and pretty much instantly fell in love. We both knew we were going to marry the other very shortly after we started dating. I knew because I was certain I couldn't escape his 13 letter long last name. We've said that if we had been 25 when we met instead of 15, we would have gotten married very quickly. Even so, we have had our rough patches, while he was away at college (before I convinced him to come home), right after we got married and my dad was sick, but all in all, we are a great team.

Last night I was making some mashed potatoes for dinner at Sara and Brandon's, dancing my way though the "Dirty Dancing" soundtrack (It's so hard to cha-cha when you're peeling potatoes) and I felt like I was being watched. I turn around to find my dear husband with a silly grin on his face. "Uh, how much of that did you see?" I asked, brandishing my knife. "Oh, all of it!" Then I felt self-conscious. I don't like to dance in front of other people! But HE liked it :)

On our way to Sara and Brandon's we were at a stop light and leaned in for a kiss. From the back we hear "SIGH" from Maddie and "Kiss again!" from Ben. HAHAHAHA! It's good to know you're children are rooting for you. :)

Later that night, when the kids were poured into their beds, asleep from the car ride and Ryan's arms wrapped around me, I though of all our obstacles and accomplishments. Here we are, as happy as we have ever been, even in light of a sadness. Our connection only seems to grow stronger as the years go by. We vowed to one another in the early days of our relationship that we would always talk it out. We would never hide our true feelings. No game playing. That has served us in the best possible way. I am never afraid he is unhappy. We are honest with each other if our relationship is not working in some way. We are open to change for the better.

We fit each other in silly, stupid ways. He says that's why we were meant for each other. Hmm. For instance. I left my house key in the house and forgot to get it before locking up. It was a Tuesday, garbage day, and I know that Ryan NEVER never re-locks the sliding glass door after he takes out the garbage. Lo and behold, the back door was open and we were saved. By his stupidity. He says my stupidity cancels out his stupidity. I'm not so sure!

Both of us came from strong parent relationships. I think that has given us a good model. Even though my parent fought a lot, I was never afraid they were going to split up. We have the same kind of love, without all of the turmoil. I've decided it isn't worth it.

On a different note, yesterday I had a good day. I'm trying to see the good in the bad that happened. I lost 10 pounds. I will be able to have "fun" on the cruise. I will get pregnant again, and I will hold a baby in my arms. New beginnings. I looked at Sara yesterday and I'm still in amazement how a body can hold such a small being safe. Nothing short of a miracle.

Packing

Packing Packing packing cleaning cleaning lists lists WHEW it's stressful to go on vacation!

I'm missing an earring. I've only worn them once, with a specific dress and for some reason only one is in my jewelry box. I'm trying to remember where I had it. I need to check near the shoe box that goes with the dress that goes with the earrings...

The thing about a cruise is, you can't forget anything because there's no where to get something you forgot. I have to specifically plan each aspect of my each outfit. Especially the evening wear. I hate not having everything. I have to make sure this bra goes with that and that, doesn't show through or straps. Do I need a shawl? What if it's colder when we're gone than expected?

AHHHHHH! The stress is killing me!

Not to mention the cost of a too-heavy bag, or one at all because it costs now to check bags. I should be grateful, though because the trip is a result of my hard working hubby. We only expect to spend money on drinks, and if last time was any indication, we'll be drinking on the customer's tabs mostly :) They're so generous!

Right now it's 80 degrees in Cozumel, Mexico, where we'll be stopping for a day. I can't wait to be hand in hand with Ryan, sipping margaritas in the warm sun. This is the first real vacation without kids. 4 years ago, we took Maddie. She was 5 1/2 months, so we couldn't leave her. It was fun, but not easy with pre-planned events that we had to attend. I will enjoy it so much more, but I will miss my babies. So far, though, not worried about that :)

V-day

I'm not big on Valentines day. Why do we have to have a day to tell each other we love one another? Ryan takes many advantages of doing something spontaneous, not forced because it's a certain day.

Who has the money to spend on diamonds, $300 dinner bills, stupid stuffed animals that collect dust. Give me a night off, some time alone, some time alone with my Significant other, and I'd be as happy as a clam.

I think Valentines day is so over commercialized, like all the other holidays. I love Christmas, but because I get to spend time with my family, make them happy with gifts and celebrate the Lord's birthday. Why must every child get the "hottest" toys. Do I love you less if I buy you something for $50 instead of $100?

My Birthday: not a holiday. Consider the origin of the word holiday: holy-day. My birthday is not holy. I really could care less. Once again, I like it as a time to get family together. Not for self-gratification.

Last year, I surprised Ryan near valentines day. The real reason: The hotel was running a special for Detroit's Winter Blast and I got a fantastic deal. Total coincidence!

Now, I'm not a hypocrite. At least, I try really hard not to be. But if Ryan gets me a little something, I don't throw it in his face. I just don't expect it as so many women do. A treat at anytime is nice, just not necessary. Women get so worked up over little non-important things, why make it harder than it already is for the men? If you expect it and it doesn't happen, aren't you 1000 times more upset?

This brings me to another point about women. Stop playing games. If you want something from your man, tell him. If the request is ignored, then you have grounds for being upset. But if you just expect him to read your mind, you're a fool. Men are dumb. They need everything spelled out for them. Yes, I know, you can read his mind. He can't read yours. It isn't a two way street! Give him some slack and speak up.

Funny little things.

Since my dad has died, I've been noticing funny little things that happen. Ryan says it's because I'm looking for them. I'm not, really. Mostly, it's songs. I would notice whenever we would head out on a big trip a "dad" song would be the first thing on the radio. Bad Company or "Black Water" or a particular Paul McCartney song. Today it was "Oh Bla Di". I haven't heard this one in quite a while, but long ago, in a childhood far far away, it was one of my favorites.

I heard it like cool water being poured over my wounds.

Pastor Tim asked on Facebook today if faith was nonsense. Seriously, I would have drowned in despair if not for faith many many times over. I have faith that my dad is still looking out for me, in little ways.

All around me.

In light of recent events, I find myself surrounded by babies and pregnant ladies. I am trying, because I love both, to not feel jealous or slighted. But some days, like today, I am overcome with emotions. Happy for friends expecting, wishing I was in the same boat, comparing symptoms and stats.

Maybe I was supposed to be around to help. Maybe I am, as usual, the strong one, the knowledge keeper, ever ready to lend my hand. And Lord knows, she will need it! If I were also pregnant (still) I wouldn't be able to be there as I was last time.

It's hard when God takes away from you and gives to others. I have so many blessings, but well.... you know.

This will take some thinking and praying. Sure, I want to have another, but I am terrified of the risk.

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

Eh this is getting more and more difficult. Just like then pre-surgery, I thought it was over, I thought I could move on, but it gets brought up and hurts again. I thought I could be ok, and sometimes I am. Now I can see what might have been, be reminded of what I lost. And through this I am feeling bad for feeling like this, wanting to be so happy for my friends, and I am I really am. I love you! Please understand this is going to be a little hard for me.

I really think this is the first time I've cried.

Pick your battles.

As we speak, my 2 year old is eating chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with mozzarella sprinkles for lunch. The other two are happily eating their Pb and J's and mandarin oranges. Ben, who did not want breakfast, suddenly decided at 11:00 that he needed a hot dog. Yesterday they had turkey bratwurst for lunch. Guess who ate two? Guess how many are left? That's right. None. Enter giant tantrum due to lack of said hot dog. I showed him everything else for lunch in the house. He sobbed "h-h-hot doooog!" Then he saw the chocolate sauce in the fridge and wanted it on his Spiderman Popsicles. Hmm. Not a good choice, so I pulled out the ice cream, thinking at least he'll get some dairy. NONONONO. We went through the whole kitchen again. He stopped when he saw the cheese, when I was showing him there were no hot dogs. He pulled out the shredded Mozzarella. "Do you want grilled cheese?" No, and he points to the ice cream. Ew. But I opened the bag for him and let him do it. He asked for seconds.

This makes me seem like a giant pushover. ~sigh~ Not my intention, but I have been struggling with patience for a while so I've decided to try some different tactics. Screaming, punishing and frustration did not seem to be working. Patience, love and acceptance doesn't either. But I'm sticking it out for a while, hoping something will change. Ben isn't quite as bad as he used to be. I let him play on the computer this morning with a promise that as soon as he was done we'd get dressed. We he came up a little while later, he got dressed no problem. I used to insist that he do what I wanted right now but I realized I can be more flexible, and we can have less fighting. We'll see. It's hit or miss.

Then there's Maddie. I intrust to her a marker for writing her Valentines yesterday. This morning I discover she's streaked her hair blue. I'm so disappointed in her! I didn't punish her, but I told her how upset I was. Since then, all I've heard was "I'm being good, aren't I mom?" Ug.

All of this makes me feel like a giant failure. It doesn't seem to matter what I do, who's advice I take, none of it works. They don't listen when I want them to, they throw fit's when we need to leave, cry over nothing. Is the definition of "good mother" how well your children behave? Isn't that a reflection of your skills? Or is it just, 'Well, they're alive, I'm doing great!' ?

Wondering

If all my "rule following" ever gets me anywhere. I wanted to put a picture of Ben on the Regis and Kelly website for the "beautiful baby search". Usually I think most of the kids on there are funny looking and I love kids. Why does it seem that the most unfortunate looking kids, or really bad pictures are on sites like these?

Anyway, I can't help thinking that $125,000 would be good for any of us, so I posted it.

The "rules" clearly state it has to be 150 KB (seriously? practically impossible to cut it down that small) and to be within the last month. I wanted to put another picture of him on there, but read that rule and took a new one. But Clearly, there are pictures of kids under the Christmas tree, at the beach, in bathing suits. Yes, I know warm weather exists during winter months, but c'mon. Does this disqualify them? If so about half are obviously gone. Does it matter? Should I have put the (what I thought was) cuter picture of him, but forgone that stipulation? I'm not that much of a risk taker.

I also believe, as I do with resumes that if you spell one word wrong, one tiny mistake, you're thrown out. So I'm very careful, because I'm not a good typist.

Well, vote for him uh, sometime. I can't find it right now. I'll let you know.

Dentist time again.

And we don't have dental insurance. So I signed up for a discount plan through Aetna that my dentist takes. I was smart and checked with the office, instead of relying on the internet, and I thought it was a pretty good deal, considering. I went today and with my cleaning and 2 fillings I have already saved money. WHEW!

Don't get down on me for having fillings. My dentist says I have very deep teeth and am prone to getting tiny ones very deep. That's all it was. I haven't had a filling since I was 13 and boy, was it a different experience! The numbing only pinched a tiny bit (not half as bad as all the pokes I've had recently) and it's not black, but a white filling. It was so quick and pretty painless. Not scary at all. Maybe I'm just biased because I've had so much pain in the last few weeks :)

When I told Maddie that I was going to the dentist, she got all excited and said "me, too?" and was very disappointed when I told her no. My funny child likes the dentist. But in two weeks she'll be going, so it won't last long.

Now I just have to try and not bite my tongue!

Jumpin' Around

We went to the Bounce House tonight, after I laid around when we came home from church. It has been so cold that we don't even want to leave the house, much less play outside. So I remembered this place we went to with Sara during the summer, with bouncy fun and free video games for the daddies.

Ryan didn't want to go at first, he was "kinda tired" but I convinced him with the free video game thing. We had fun bouncing around, throwing the kids, sliding on the slides. We had some good old-fashioned family fun. I am so happy we did it!

In church today, we talked about sex. Yes, again. Pastor Tim made a great point about women withholding/rewarding with sex. He used water and thirst as an analogy, showing how the man can be SO thirsty and the women holds all the control of the "good" water in the house. Husbands can fall prey to the temptation of "bad" water (a.k.a. porn, but he demonstrated with toilet water, very funny) if the wife is not an equal partner in the sex division. This may sound sexist, it wasn't meant to. He was making a point that women can be as much to blame when a husband turns to "other means". His point was equality, not finger pointing.

We don't really have this problem in our marriage. I understand that he just needs it sometimes. He understands that I don't withhold for silly, selfish reasons, they're always legit. Like, I don't know having surgery on your girl parts? I have been pretty understanding throughout all of this. He owes me.

But he says after church "I don't just wanna have sex because you're an object, I love you and I hope you know that." Awww. Except as he was saying that, he was staring at my chest. Actions speak louder than words, buddy!! :)

Here's another

Why am I feeling like such a b*#@! today? I mean, in all reality, there's not a lot of times when I'm not. But today, I've been really, really rude to Ryan. He's pretty much done all that I asked him, with the exception of folding the clothes he dumped on the loveseat three days ago. He went and got me coffee and ice cream (couldn't decide. Not still pregnant, but still feeling the effects I think) even going to two different stores when the one store I requested was not open.

Why does it feel then like he's working against me?

I feel SO contrary. Even my last post was mean. I still believe what I said, but usually I keep that sort of stuff to myself. I was even accused of being jealous. Well of COURSE I'm jealous! Who wouldn't want a nanny or two, a trainer, a nutritionist, a stylist, a chef, a maid and a personal assistant? Just don't tell me you're "just like everyone else", because it's BS.

I'm hoping this is hormonal. Sara and Mom say I'm mean when I first get pregnant, so I can see where my body still has that in it. I hear it takes a while to get rid of the pregnancy hormones, almost as long as you were pregnant.

Ryan would go to the moon if I asked him. Without hesitation. Tonight I'm feeling like I would complain that he was gone too long.

I think I need a good cry and to apologize to my beat-up husband.

I do not feel sorry for Jessica Alba

Or Jessica Simpson. These women put themselves out there, then complain.
This is what Jessica Alba had to say about giving birth.
"Contractions aren't that bad. If you've ever had bad cramps? That's what they're like. But that moment when they put the baby on your chest ? that's deep. It's a deep experience"
WHAT? Did she pretend to give birth? Act it out? Unless she was drugged from the moment she started feeling the contractions, she's nuts. “I wore a girdle," she says. "Eight weeks after my girlfriend had her baby, you could see her six-pack. She told me to put an elastic band around my waist—any kind of band or girdle works. She was like, 'I slept in it.' I didn’t recover as fast as she did. I [still] don’t have a six-pack.” WAAAAA!
I've never had a six pack. Most moms' don't due to the IMMENSE AMOUNT OF ABDOMINAL STRETCHING that happens for NINE months!

And now on to Jessica Simpson, My mom was actually at the concert the news is blaring about. Her "voice was weak" that night (always in my opinion) and she felt "vulnerable" on stage. Hey, lady, you signed up for this. I felt bad about the weight gain cracks (but, seriously, fire your stylist. Even if it's your mom) but this is ridiculous.

Some days, like yesterday, I don't want to even venture out of my house. J.S. is not a mom, but I think women in general feel this way sometimes. Being in the limelight is their chosen profession. Don't tell me you're too tired, whiny, upset to go on. You're being paid to do so. Anyone else would just be fired from their jobs.

Enough of the tirade. For now.

Today was a mess.

It bears repeating, it was that bad. Today was a mess. ~sigh~ JUST when I think I've got it down, just when I think, hey, I'm ok, I can do this, I have a day like today that makes me want to crawl back in bed and not come out. Ever.

I still am in some pretty intense pain, at times. It's not constant, so I hesitate to take my drugs. The last thing I need is an addiction :) But, they dull the pain. The pain makes me tired, sluggish. The meds make me have more energy. Back and forth back and forth. Today was SO bad that I wanted to take the whole bottle (all 10 pills. Remind me to get a refill). Ben screamed at me about every.litle.thing. Strangely, not what I thought he was going to blow a gasket over, his Mario Party jammie shirt. THAT he took off no problem. It was the BATMAN jammie shorts that were the issue. Sorry, kid, not when it's 25 degrees out! Then, once I distracted him from that, it was socks, then his Rock and Roll shoes, NOT his Diego shoes. NOT THE COAT NO COAT NO COAT! BLUE CAR SEAT NONONONO I DON'T WANT TO GET OUT OF THE CAR I DON'T WANT TO GET BACK IN THE CAR NO NAP NO NAP SISTER'S BED SISTER'S BED.

Then, in 2.5 hours, we repete. We have to pick sister up from school.

Then she started. While I was getting Eli out of the car, Maddie and Ben went into the house, at my request. 30 seconds later, at the door, it's locked. She locked me out. Granted, I have the keys. Not the point.

Every EVERYthing was a screaming, drag out fight this afternoon. I am SO out of energy.

Anybody want a two-year-old?

I thought he was almost out of this phase. But with no naps, and mom being physically unable to hold him in here, we're at a stalemate. And the Miss has gotten herself an additude that nmakes me want to smack her face. "FINE" she has taken to saying, just like a flippin' TEENAGER! AHHHHH!!

Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow will be a better day. Tomorrow will be a better day. It HAS to be.

Update: As soon as I finished writing this post, I went upstairs to find my son, sound asleep on the floor in front of his toys. Does my child need a nap or what?

Where do babies come from?

I started thinking about this exchange while reading another blog, where the kids were asking about reproduction. Maddie asked me after Ben was born how he got out. I don't believe in lying to children, or giving them information they don't really need, so I answered her question the best way I could. "Girls have a special place in their bodies where they can grow babies. Then they come out of their pee-pees".

This was before we made her learn the actual names for body parts. One of my favorite kid-isms is from her at this learning time. We would quiz her, "Maddie, what is your pee-pee called?" "Va-va-va vacation?" For some, my love, not not many! For the record, Ben's is a Pee-ist.

Anyway, when I was in the hospital, Maddie thought I was going to die. I don't blame her. Go to sleep with a perfectly healthy mommy and the next morning there's your Mimi, saying Mommy's in the hospital. No warning, just gone. Poor thing. After I got home, she asked me one might as I was putting her down for bed if I was going to die when I went to the hospital. Ryan had only told her that I had a big boo-boo in my tummy. That wasn't really enough info for her. So I laid it out for her. I asked her if she wanted to talk about why I was in the hospital, and what the doctor did to me. Yes, of course! So I started with basic anatomy, telling her that there is place inside girls where a baby can be made. Lots of eggs live in there too, to make some babies. When mommy and daddy want to have another baby, the egg mixes with a seed (some magical seed, not explained :) ) and goes down a tube to the special place to grow and become a baby.

Now, there were a few transactions between her and I in the middle of this. When I said "mixes" she said "Do you stir it?" Well, sorta. And I asked her if she knew what a tube was. She made a circle with her fingers and said, " Yeah, like a slide. OH! Did the egg slide down the tube?" I said yes, this is what normally happens, but the 'egg and seed' /baby mixture got stuck in the tube and the doctor had to take it out. It wasn't a baby, yet, but just tiny pieces that would grow into a baby. "Did it have a face?" "Uh, no. No real parts, like a baby, just a tiny speck." She seems to be good with that and I showed her my incision, which is not scary at all. Seriously. The stretch marks are scarier. I seemed to convince her that I was not dying, and wouldn't be dying anytime soon.

It's strange and uncomfortable to answer all the questions kids have. You don't want to overwhelm them, you don't want to leave them hanging. As I said before I won't lie to them; no stork around here. But in MY case, I apparently informed my entire kindergarten class of the birds and the bees. All wrong.

Here's my advice.

Tell them simply what you know, being careful to answer exactly what they've asked, not more. They might be asking you a simple question and then they really don't get what's going on when you launch into a tirade about things they aren't ready for.
Start young. Knowing the real names for body parts and why mommy is a girl and daddy is a boy are important, and vital to their identity. Granted, Maddie was 3ish when we told her the real names, but we let her know they had different names if you were a boy or a girl. Easier to demonstrate with the help of baby brother's diaper changes.
Don't be ashamed. They will know. They can smell fear. Our parents were taught to be ashamed of their bodies as a method of birth control. Everyone's body is beautiful, sex is natural, God-given and safe within marriage and theirs alone. Telling them "I'll tell you when you're older" will only fuel the fire! Instead, ask them if you can think about their questions for a little while and promise you'll get back to them. Fulfill that promise!

It's our job to give them the information they need to be strong, happy people. I hope my children don't make the same mistakes I did, but maybe they can learn from what I know. All we can do is love them as best we can.

How do they know?

I'm very interested in strange things that are hereditary. For instance, many people in my dad's family cannot have their feet tucked in when they're in bed. I, personally, freak out if I know I can't get them out. It's like I'm trapped. Another strange group of us are allergic to Tide, but not anything else. I'm also allergic to Dove and Ivory, but not any other detergents.

Anyway, we just took the side off of Ben's crib. It was a combination of me not being able to lift him because of the surgery and it being time to transition him. It's struggle. The freedom is getting to his head. Last night, he threw a fit, and we let him sleep in Maddie's bed, then moved him once he fell asleep. This morning, though, I found him sound asleep on the floor.

This doesn't seem so strange, or even related to my above paragraph, but some of you may know of our struggles with Maddie when she was 18 months and we took the side off the crib. Night after night we fought her, night after night she moved her entire bed to the floor. Finally we just let her, but when I was pregnant with Ben, we decided to get her a twin bed, because we would soon need the crib (which she wasn't really using anyway). THAT VERY NIGHT she slept soundly all the way through. We have never had another sleeping problem with her. My point is, Ben wasn't even born- he never saw her do this, how does HE know to do this same weird thing??

So this morning I'm looking for bunk beds. The kind that can be twin beds too. Expensive. Eh. But if nothing, I will learn from experience. I will bet dollars to donuts that he will sleep in his "Big Boy Bed" the moment we get one.

Date Night

Lo and behold! A husband who actually remembers a request from him time-starved wife!

About 10 minutes before I started having pains and went to the hospital, I requested some "alone time" with Ryan. Obviously, with the series of events, I completely forgot I even asked. Then yesterday, with little to no notice, he asked me if I could get a babysitter. Perplexed and tired, I agreed, getting Jim to come over and watch the munchkins. It was the COLDEST day in a week, snowing, blowing and generally spine numbing. But he took me to Partridge Creek, the OUTSIDE mall. We went to Tin Fish, where we had some yummy delights from the sea. He also took me to Godiva (link on the sidebar) and we selected some chocolaty goodness for dessert.

I wondered aloud as we got to the car in the blinding snow, "Why did you take me out on such as night??"

"Because you asked me to."

Oh. Oh yeah, I did, didn't I. Wait, you spent your football square money on me? I'm so touched!

Suddenly, all the little issues I had been thinking in my head were gone. It may not have been the BEST night, but it was the FIRST night that it was humanly possible.

Being married is so hard. Pastor Tim said once that it isn't 50/50, it's 100/100 and I believe that. Giving your all is MUCH harder than giving half to make a whole. If one person regularly makes up 75%, then the other gets off easy, but it creates tension and resent.

I complain, more that I should, but in reality I have it very good. I have a husband who cares about us enough to work his butt off. He cares about his God enough to worship Him with his talents. He is a great father, and I should know, I had a pretty good one. Ryan's all that without the screaming. He is understanding of my needs and goes out of his way to fulfill them when he can.

Why oh why is it so hard for me to let it go when he doesn't clean the kitchen all the way? Why does it infuriate me when he leaves the laundry on the loveseat instead of folding it and putting it away? These things are so trivial, why do I go off the deep end? I have never been so rigid about my life that I need eveything done in a certian way, but when it come to him doing things, it needs to be RIGHT. And that means MY definition of right. I guess I have have so much to do that I can't be following behind him fixing his mistakes. Why can't I cut him some slack?

I have been with Ryan for almost 13 years. I know him better than he knows himself, mostly. I know his heart, and I know he doesn't ever do anything intentionally to hurt me. I need to work on being considerate of his feelings as well as he does mine.

Pretty Dresses

Ever since I was small, one of my greatest shopping pleasures was to look through the fancy dresses. My mom indulged me on this because I think she likes to look, too, though she never had anywhere to wear them. In the rest of my life, I was pretty much a tom boy, preferring bike rides to Barbies, but since I have those strange "Gemini" tendencies (that I don't really believe in, but am amazed on how accurate the description of me is), I am on opposite ends of the spectrum in certain areas.

As Fate would have it, I married not only a man, but his family company, who has fancy parties at least once a year. It is nerve wracking to select the right dress each time. Being the wife of the SOB (son of boss, NOT what you thought!) I have a certain standard to uphold, whether I can afford it or not. Luckily, I am SO good at finding fantastic dresses way marked down.

For their 20th anniversary party, I wore a peacock green satin Calvin Klein dress, floor length. It was $75! I LOVE that dress, but have to give credit to Sara for finding it. It didn't look good on her, so I asked if I could try it on. WOW! During the same shopping day, I found another dress that I love, Marilyn Monroe style halter, but black lace over green. $40. It was a little snug, though. I bought it anyway and since I've lost some weight after my surgery, IT FITS! WHOO! I'm going to wear that one for the fancy dress night on the cruise. I have a few other things to try on; the pink dress I wore to Kristi's wedding with the outrageous cleavage, another not so fancy, but still fun turquoise dress.

I think especially since I quit my job I have more of a desire to get dressed up. Sitting here in my pj's is SO comfy (and necessary since I can't wear pants yet), but there is something about being able to show off your femininity that is fun.

Don't get me started on shoes and purses...

Loading...

In our technology laden life, There is so much waiting time. It's hard to explain to a two year old why his (video, game, song) is not on yet. The information is being transferred onto the player. That takes time. IN every aspect of life, toddlers want it NOW. Some how, Maddie convinced Ben to be patient when his game on PBS kids was gearing up. "It's loading, Mamma" he says as the screen shows "LOADING....." Hm...how'd he figure that one out. Then, while playing Guitar Hero, he says "It's loading, Mamma". Hm. It doesn't even SAY loading on the screen, he just put it together. Yesterday, sitting at the table for lunch, He lifts up his shirt, points to his belly. "It's loading, mamma. My lunch." He seems to understand this concept better than I thought.

Beautiful

I was just read one of my HS acquaintances "25 things", on facebook. One of her things was that she has always thought she was beautiful, inside and out, but that no one can really appreciate it. In all honestly, I never thought her a remarkably great looking woman, pretty, yes, and definitely inside, but it got me thinking about the way I view myself. Where did she get this positive view of herself? Had no one, in the dark years of middle school, call her "Pinocchio"? Did she not get compared to a boy in first grade? Does she not constantly critique her appearance, her weight?

Mostly I don't care. I mean, who am I getting all dressed up for? I do occasionally attempt to try to look at least put-together for Ryan. But I would like to think that I'm pretty sometimes, but can never make it happen.

Everyone comments on how gorgeous Maddie is. I do think that she has something about her, not only her face, but her attitude that radiates beauty. The people say, "She looks just like you!" I mean, I see the basic resemblance, but I never know what to say, " I'm not that pretty?"

All I see are the flaws. I can name someting I don't like about every part of my body. Is this normal? I compare myself to everyone, and ALWAYS fall short. I wish I had more confidence.

I think part of this is that we're going on the cruise in 17 days, which I am SO looking forward to. But my biggest problem is that I don't want to get into a bathing suit, I don't want to wear a coctail dress, or tank tops, anything that shows off my body. I know I was OK with being 3 months pregnant, I SO had an excuse. But now, I only really have the pain of telling people I was pregnant, and I'm still fat.

And to top it off, 6 more weeks of winter. Stupid groudhog.