Where I'm at

Sadly, I've been neglectful of my blog these past few months. I have been exhausted to the point of no return. Not that I have anything to tire me out...a busy 5 year old who shocks and amazes me with her intellegence then turns around and can't find the head on her shoulders...a newly three year old who thinks he can do everything by himself and has so much energy that I simply cannot keep up...during the day another 2 year old who is a tiny copycat of Ben (good and bad) and can be slow as molassass and sweet as it too. And then there's Thumper. I want to go into some sort of hyperstatic hibernation (is that even a thing? I don't know, I made it up) until I give birth I'm that tired. I know I won't get any more sleep once he comes, but at least the toll on my body won't be as great.

My brain seems to be turned off. I live in an approximate 3 foot radius of my head. If it's not happening right in front of me, I don't care. I don't remember. I have everything for the next month written down in about 6 different places. I still can't keep up.

On that note, I am looking forward to Christmas. Since I used to work in retail where Christmas Music and items start after Halloween, I have a very easy time begin jaded about the whole time of year. I am very careful not to do anything Christmas-y until after Thanksgiving. Then I ease into it. A few songs here and there, then I can break out the classics.

One of the first "events" of the year is usually Ryan's company party. This year my challenge was to find a dress that actually fit. Hmm...almost 6 months pregnant...maternity is either ugly or expensive...regular stuff won't work...what to do?? I had one dress at home, but it very summery, and one I was lent, but it wasn't quite right. I am happy to say I did find a dress, about $100 less than I expected :) Let the (alcohol free) party begin!

It's a boy!

Ups and downs

If you read back a while, all I wanted was to be pregnant. Now that I'm here (18 weeks), I sure am rethinking this whole thing. This pregnancy has kicked my butt. Even when I do sleep, I never feel refreshed and my napping hours have increased exponentially. And these aren't nice, comfy bed naps, but sit down for a minute to catch my breath (which I'm ALWAYS out of) and pass out for a while kind of naps. I have felt six months pregnant for about 3 months, and I'm not even to six months yet! My hips hurt, my bones ache, my hair is falling out when it should be staying in...
And then I feel the little bugger kick me. I have not felt this one as strongly and frequently as the other two, and I had a semi-freak out because of it, but I am always waiting for the next one. I can't wait to hold s/he in my arms and smell it's warm head (most likely no hair, I've got baldies). I know this is the last one, so it has a bittersweet finality to it. This time in my life that I've looked forward to from the beginning is over?? I will be happy to move to the next chapter of raising them up (partially started already, of course)But it's all moving so quickly. Hey, on the bright side, maybe I'll be an empty-nester by 50!!

My Favorite Things...Part Two...Mommy Style

Favorite thing #4...The candor of little children. We have been on the long of potty training a stubborn 2/almost 3 year old boy. There has been much progress, but two steps forward one step back. He gets ice cream when he poo's on the potty. This is a great incentive to him. Mostly, we don't have too much of a problem with peeing, he's just learning how to aim and I am a poor teacher. This weekend he went in to potty with his daddy and Ryan came out laughing. Ben said "Whoa daddy, you have a GIANT pee-pee!" Now I'm not THAT lucky, but in size comparison, Ben is right. Way to make daddy feel proud!

Favorite thing #5...For real, actual music. Maddie takes violin lessons. Not because we are cruel "this will be good for you someday" type parents, but because she begged us. She does very well, reading the music after a few short months and "wowing" her teacher every week. Last week, she played "Ode To Joy" with her teacher accompanying her on the piano. I almost cried. She has only been playing since May.

(I will make her play it and take a video, but she's not home right now! Also, a 1/8 size violin is not the best sounding instrument. Even her teacher sounds kinda crappy on it. We will move up to a 1/4 size soon, and I hope it stays in tune better! Some of those lessons are hard to sit though :) )

My favorite things...part one...mommy style

My favorite part of the morning #1...Waking my sleeping daughter for school.
Maddie is a hard waker. She gets that from me. We like to sleep, we like to cuddle, we don't like to get out of our warm cocoons and face the cold, hard, dark morning. Ryan is a shock waker, who likes the EH EH EH EH of the alarm to make him jump out of bed. That kills me. So I decided I would wake my girl up for school in a more gentle way. I climb into bed with her and love her awake. I love that she, in her sleep, rolls over and throws her arm around me.We have a nice calm wake up and start the day that way.

My favorite part of the morning #2... After all of our things are dine and she's waiting at the bus stop, she climbs on the bus with a coment to the driver (who doesn't seem to know what to make of her) and sits at the window. She turns to me and we blow kisses to each other. Then we catch them and save them! I still get a little pain in my heart watching the bus drive away.

But Ben usually makes up for it...Favorite part of the morning #3...Snuggling on the couch with Ben. He gets his blanket and pillow and sets up a little place for us while I am out at the road with Sister. It's a good alone bonding time for us. Plus I get to doze.

This Time of Year

It's my favorite time of year again, though I don't feel there was any summer to transistion from. It has gotten bitter quite quickly around here. This ONE day of sun is doing me some good, as I sit and type, it's shining through the window on me.

On top of the giant hay mountain

Last weekend, we went out to Blakes Cider Mill for some family fun. We rode the hayride out to pick pumpkins, fed the goaties, walked though the "Black Hole", got lost in a corn maze, ate cider and donuts and it only cost us an arm and a leg :)! We had so much fun, though. It was worth it to watch Ben shriek in terror as we walked by the "Spooky House".

On the train ride

Worth it to see Maddie giggle while the goat licked her hand, and worth it to have Ryan pretend to lose his Wedding Ring inside of a goat. Very funny. I actually felt good for a change! That is so rare nowadays. I'm hoping (though this pregnancy has not been like any of the others) that it will lessen when I hit the second trimester, which is in 3 days. Not that I'm counting.

Maddie has lost two teeth now, with one more slightly wiggly. I love the look of the teeth with "toes" :)

Sisters...sisters...

I dreamt about my sister this early morning.

I don't have a sister. At least not one living.

When I was 2, my mother lost my sister at 7 months. She rarely talks about it, partly due to the fact that she got pregnant with my brother shortly after then had him at 7 months. My dad talked about it a little more, but now, and in my child birthing age, I don't really have any answers. My obstetrician said it was most likely due to the fact that my mother only has one ovary and half her uterus (and kidney, which was the cause of her hospital stay in July). Dr. Blake reassured me that because I have both, I don't have the same risks (pre-term labor in my brothers case and the cord was wrapped around my sisters neck, which is common in that type of defect).

In any case, I was such a daddy's girl that my father always said I would have eaten her out of jealousy anyway. Thanks dad!

So this morning, after Ryan left for work, I lay snuggled up with my little son. I dream more vividly in this time after Ryan leaves and since I've been pregnant, it's pretty crazy.

My family and I were at some sort of Asian restaurant with a big group of people. We got a private room, sort of Japanese style, but they were regular tables. Our view was Lake Michigan, so I assumed somehow that we were in Chicago. My dad was there, and for some reason, he wasn't dead (usually even when I dream about him, I know he's dead). He also was having a really involved discussion with someone and wouldn't talk to me. My mom was at another table. Then a shorter-than-me, younger-than-me, build-more-like-my-mom's woman sat down and said "I'm your sister Kate". I was really excited and had my mom come over, but she didn't really seem interested. They had sort of similar hair styles, Kate's dyed bright red tones with a few blonde streaks on one side. She told me about things she'd shared with me, childhood stuff, friends. Times when she'd been by my side. We talked and laughed for a while. We didn't talk about Dad. Then she told me she loved me and it was time for her to go and a waiter came with dessert and I was distracted. I turned at the last moment to tell her I love her, and to visit me more, but I'm jumpy so be careful not to scare me, and she faded away. Immediately I was woken by Maddie who came to tell me the tooth fairy had come. Good timing.

I'm puzzled by this dream. Though I have a good intuition, I don't have dreams that come true (not that this one would...). I do however suspect that in your altered mental state of sleep, you are closer to a different spectrum of life. Just as I suspect young children are in that state as well. I don't think every dream is someone trying to reach out to you (gosh, especially in my case. I dream so nutty!), but maybe in some occasions, a loved one can reach out to you if you're receptive.

Shortly after my mother's father died, I had a dream about him where he was checking up on my mother. In real life, he would call me after not being able to reach her, just to make sure she was alive. In the dream, I called him out for being dead, he acknowledged it and said he was just checking on her. He was, as usual, not able to reach her! I told him she was ok, he thanked me and vanished!

I always feel better after dreaming of my dad, though, again, I don't think that every dream is a "transmission". Some, I do think he's just reminding me that he's always around.

Maybe this is my sister's way of telling me I'm having a girl, being able to give my daughter the sister I've never had. Who knows!

This is the first time she's come to me in a dream and I hope it's not her last.

My Benito

I feel like I have to be fair. Thats mommy guilt for ya.

My little son has the ability to break down my hard heart, my furiousness, my raging homones with one look. After screaming at his sister and storming out, he asked if he could come with me. No, I needed some time to myself. I pulled out of the driveway and looked back to see a small frowning face in the window. The sadness in his eyes making mine well up as only the wonderful hormones of pregnancy can do. He can reduce me to tears and make me feel bad in a way his sister never can do. I am, in turn, easier on him because of the way he can break my heart.

Then there is the insane hilariousness. This morning, he gets a lemon creme cookie from the cupboard and puts it in a tupperware container. Before closing the lid, he gives it a little pet and and tells me "he likes it in his house". Then he asks me to read him, Lambie and Cookie (capital C) a story! Of all the things that we could have as a pet we choose a cookie?

I love that in the night, when I tuck them in after they're sleeping (turn them around so they're on the pillow, straighten the blankets) I whisper "I love You" and he mumbles back "uf oo".

I wonder if sending him off to school will be harder. I mean, his crazy energy sometimes gets the better of me (especially now), but him and I are on the same team.

A New Era

I sent her off today. Her life has been primed for this moment since her birth; the day she'll leave my influence and become her own person.

Who am I kidding. She has NEVER been "mine" the way other daughters are with their mothers. She's not "mine" the way even Bennett is.

She has always been her own person. When the time rolled around for babies to get strange, for them to shy away from new things and people, she never once looked back for me. Even when I was pregnant with her, I had this feeling like she thought she could do it better without my help.

But this morning was the one she has been looking forward to since the last day of preschool. She awoke with wonder in her greenish brown eyes, rubbed the sleep from them and sat up abruptly. She wrapped her arms around my neck and whispered "greatest mom ever". This surprised me for a few reasons. #1, Maddie is not an easy waker, like her mother. We have been working on getting up at 7:30 for the past few weeks, instead of her normal 9 with mixed results. #2, Maddie does not generally give me such open displays of affection. Her daddy, yes, but me not so much. Without her knowing, I crave those unasked for kisses and hugs, the "i love you's" that come from her heart, not just a response. They are my crack. This morning alone got me through an hour of time where I was certain tears were going to flow.

She cannot wait for tomorrow when she gets to go on the bus with her friend next door, Leah.

I won't be there to ease her confusion. To direct her where to go. Will she be lost in the sea of kids figuring it all out themselves? I will have to trust my training in her to do the right thing, ask for help, guide others.

I'm also going to miss my helper at home! She loves to be helpful with Eli and Ben, my second pair of eyes when I can't watch every moment.

I miss her already!

too long

...haven't felt well...I have something in my head, but I'm not ready to post it here. We'll see what it brings.

My unusual children.

At the playground

Time: 1:30am. Place : My Bed. Scene: BEN wakes up because he went to bed at 7pm, and asks if he can climb in with us. He lays down and snuggles in. Soon, there is a disturbance in the Force.

BEN: Mommy? Can you close the door so the monsters don't get in?

MOMMY: Ben, there aren't any monsters! There only kinds of monsters there are are Elmo and Telley Monster and they are nice good monsters. There are no bad monster in our house, I promise. OK?

BEN: Ok, Mommy can you close the door so the monsters don't get in?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Time : The afternoon. Place: Rite Aid. Scene: Mommy needs some medicine for her sore throat. She is having trouble getting Ben to hold her hand due to the odd way he is walking.

MOMMY: Ben. BEN Hold my hand.

BEN: No, mommy, I can't.

Mommy: Why not? (still observing the strange way he's walking) What are you doing?

BEN: (Facing sideways, Arms out, legs apart, doing little jumps to go forward) I'm web surfing. Sort of like this, but sideways. Here he was a bird

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the Playground

Time: Afternoon. Place: The Park. Scene: shortly after we arrive to the deserted park, another family arrives with girls around Maddie's age. Maddie immediately runs up to them.

MADDIE: Look! We have almost the same SHOES! I'm 5 and there are my Easter shoes, but I can wear them to play now.

GIRL: yours have a bow, so they're not the same.

Other GIRL: I'm 5!

MADDIE: Wellll, there the same shape and yours just doesn't have a bow so there's really close! Wanna go play princesses?

GIRL and OTHER GIRL: ok.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The last one is is different format, because it's not quite the same.

Maddie's Violin teacher is Mr. Jorgji, and older (I'm assuming) Russian man. I've only taken Maddie to lessons a few times, because Ryan likes to do it. But yesterday, I took her. Maddie has started to read the notes without any help from the book, e.i. it used to say what the note was on top of the note, now that has gone away, so she's actually reading the music. Yes, she makes some mistakes, but he says I don't have any other students like her at this age. She remembers everything, she wants to do it and she good at it! He seems slightly amazed at her. He had always told us that since she is so young, the process is a little different. Her muscles don't recall the same way ours do. But he seems thrilled with her progress. I'm not saying she a genius! But she's doing a great job for such a small girl!

These Happy Golden Years

Yeah, I found a box of my old books and re-read some of them. I hope to look fondly back at these times and forget all of the trying ones. Right now, though I'm working on being patient.

I vowed to myself while I was in Vegas that I would appreciate them more, understand them more, work with them more. They are babies, and I forget sometimes that they are because they are so good and advanced that they are going to have meltdowns. They are going to push their limits. My job is to respond with love, not a meltdown of my own.

Now, I'm SO not perfect, but if I can strive for peace, I can see it in the distance. My children will not be small for very much longer. Maddie is already off to Kindergarten this year and I'm planning for next fall when she's in first grade. FIRST GRADE? I clearly remember first grade like it was yesterday. Cassie was my seat neighbor and always talked to me and got me in trouble. Trevor was a big baby who had to go "potty" every three minutes. Matt Reed was the cute boy who put one hand over his heart and one behind his back while we said the Pledge of Allegiance. ~sigh~ He moved to California and I never got a chance. My dad called my teacher Ms. Lembke Ms. Lumpy and she didn't really like me. The smell of the Paiste in the giant jars (not the taste!), having to scoop it out with sticks and put it on paper towels to carry to our desks.

My daughter will soon have these memories.

I'll catch you, Daddy!

Right now we're working (sort of) diligently on potty training Ben. He's poo'd in the potty three times now, which is a HUGE improvement. But our main issue is now his desire to "be like Tank", my MIL's Yorkie, who "pees outside". Our neighbor has caught Ben three times dropping trow and peeing all over the deck "like Tank". He thinks it's funny. I don't! Maddie would have never thought to pee outside!

Maddie on Father's day, sending a message to Grandpa Don

Maddie spent Saturday at the Zoo with her cousins for her birthday. Her cousin's birthday is 10 days before hers, so it's nice we can do stuff together. She spent the night Friday, zoo'd Saturday, then after church on Sunday went to her friend Nate's house for a few hours. She fell asleep in the car on the way home and didn't wake up until 6 am this morning. Then she climbed in with me and slept 2 more hours! 17 hours!

As for us, we're trying to sell the condo, Ryan is cutting down trees in the back yard and I'm desperately trying to keep up with the housework. It's not going so well, but at least I'm trying.

The getaway

Ryan and I planned an "adult" vacation earlier this year, thinking this may be the best time to get away. Our kids are old enough to be away from for a short while, we have a little money.

After planned the trip, we decided to buy our house, which sort of negated the whole money thing.

But we stayed at the Club 36, a Bluegreen Resort that opened last September. I wasn't thrilled with the idea of going to Vegas (I prefer less tourist-y vacations) but since the opportunity was there and Ryan wanted to go, I was game. Besides, I needed a vacation!

We decided to go on our anniversary and both of us had the idea of getting our vows renewed. Only one of us was set on having them done by Elvis (hint: it wasn't me). We eventually decided to rent a motorcycle and make a day out of some of the areas attractions that didn't involve gambling.

We settled on going to see Red Rock Canyon and Mt. Charleston, both within an hour or so of Vegas.

When we arrived in Las Vegas, it was a scorching 104 degrees. We had pretty much had it, so we turned up the air conditioning and fell right asleep. When we awoke 6 ish hours later, it was still a stifling 85 in our room, with no breeze. EH! The air was broke...they had to fix it. Then we set off toward the Strip, which was about a 20 minute walk.

It felt like we walked for 6 hours.

We arrived at the MGM Grand Casino, which was the closest major Casino to our resort. Even at 10 am, there were people everywhere and lights flashing. We walked though and out the other side to The Strip. We passed New York, New York across the street and walked though some pretty major construction of what someone called a "City Center", a new complex of restaurants and a casino and hotels. We stopped at the Harley-Davidson cafe for a drink and saw that they had a "Chopper Chapel". I suggested that I would be much happier with that instead of Elvis.

When we got back to the resort, we were informed that there is a shuttle that goes back and forth to MGM. Hm. We're dumb.

Wednesday we awoke bright and early to get our Motorcycle at Las Vegas Harley-Davidson. We rented a Black Electraglide and head off toward Red Rock Canyon, which was about 1/2 hour away. It was an amazing place. We rode the 15 mile trail, stopping once to get a better look, but we weren't equipt for a trail walk. Someday I'll go back and hike it.

Next we were off to Mt. Charleston, but somehow, we missed the turn off and went all the way around the mountains to Parhump (which is where all the brothels are). It was an amazing ride nevertheless, Ryan going 90 mph for long stretches because there wasn't another car in sight. The mountains were all around us. We rode about 200 miles in all that day.

Later that night we decided to check out the casinos. We went though Monte Carlo, Bellagio, Paris.

Each has a unique theme, Monte Carlo, Moroccan; Bellagio, Italian, with beautiful umbrella sized blown glass flowers overhead and an indoor greenhouse. Paris in situated under a replica Eiffel Tower, and inside the ceiling is painted to look like the sky. It was our favorite. We gambled a little in each, favoring the Roulette tables as usual, and pretty much broke even.

Thursday we vegged. I think we napped until 2. Then later in the evening we explored Excalibur, where we ate dinner; Luxor, which looks like a Pyramid and even the inside is shaped like one; and Mandalay Bay, where we saw the Shark Reef Exhibit. Then we went to Planet Hollwood to see a show called "The Mentalist" which was really crazy. We couldn't figure out how he knew all that stuff about people!

Friday we got married. ( it was also Sara's birthday and I did not call her. I DID facebook her, but it wasn't good enough and I'm sorry) We did go for the Chopper Chapel, and it was a beautiful service. The minister called it "refreshing" our vows, because we wanted to restate our love for one another, not because something had gone wrong! Afterward we ate lunch and everyone stared at me because I was in a wedding dress. It was a good time!

We went back to MGM nad played Roulette for a while. I was up, Ryan down, so again we were breaking even. But it's hard to win the "Big Money" when you're only playing with $40. We cashed out and went to a Japanese restaurant called Shibuya and ate some yummy sushi. It was so beautiful inside, we didn't want to leave! We went back to the resort for a little swim, when got ready to leave. I definately had a better time than I expected!

Tonight

We're supposed to go to a Tiger's game tonight...currently the forecast is calling for thunderstorms...to go or not to go...

I'm bored. I know, I have half a million things to do, but I don't feel like doing any of them! Plus I'm trying to potty train Ben and he's...well he's 2. He can hold it really well, most of the time. He can also hold his poo well. He's just not very good at telling me when he has to go. I have to sit him down and then he pees instantaneously. It's frustrating. We'll get it. Sooner or later.

The weather is gloomy, and we're so busy coming up this next week and weekend that I don't want to waste any extra energy. Cop out, I know.

Where's my motivation? I'd just like to be a blob, with no responsibilities.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ben was laying in bed with me last night because he took a nap on the way to Violin Lessons. He said he "wants to play a horn, like a trumpet" Then he looked at me with his serious little eyes and said, "but not a tuba mom, I don't want to play a tuba".

Thursday is Violin Lesson Day with Mr. Jorgji. But yesterday, he did come, and we didn't get a call...While we were sitting and waiting, Maddie steps right in front of a boy, about 10. "Hi! I get violin lessons with Mr. Jorgji". He looks at me, not quite sure what he should do. He looks like he's afraid of her. I say, "She's friendly" He says "I see that!" She talks to him for a while until it's time for his lesson. Though I know this about her, I'm amazed that she can just talk to anyone, but I hope she'll learn when it's not wanted!

Home Sweet Home

Friday was the big day. The big 2-8. So to get ourselves motivated (read: cleaning/fixing frenzy) we decided to have a party for my birthday and officially title it a housewarming party because everyone wanted to come over and check it out. A scant week before the date we sent out invites, many which I don't think arrived at their desired destinations, but none the less, we only had one week of planning.

The day dawned sunny and bright, with not one, but four phone calls at 8 am. For those of you who know me, you know I dislike very greatly to be woken up early. But Eight? On my birthday? Rude. Mary and Eli came over and helped us get cleaned up, the Laura and Hendrik came to help too. They helped by looking cute. But really, having friends over keeps me motivated. For those of you who know me, you know I greatly dislike cleaning. Mary agreed, but said she didn't mind cleaning other people's houses. She got the basement all in order just in time for the kids to destroy it again.

Everyone showed up just as the food was ready, but I was not. Turns out I had forgotten quite a few things I wanted to do, and many I needed to do! But Sara came to my rescue and handled all the kitchen craziness. She made room for food, accepted dishes from people and generally was my brain.

Some people I didn't see come, some I didn't see leave. I tried to get around to at least say hello, but there were a lot of people there! Thanks to everyone who came and/or brought food and/or gifts. The food was great and I'm gonna have tons of fun shopping with all the gift cards! I guess I'll lets Ryan use some of the Home Depot ones.

The night was beautiful, not too chilly, but some sweaters were required. Many of us stayed to watch The Game, which I was hoping and not hoping to have happen. We all know the final result. We won't speak of it.
We had s'mores by the fire...it was perfect. Everyone said our house is a great party house. I'm sure our Neighbors will love that!!

I had a really awesome birthday. Thank you everyone! I hope we can have many more parties in the years to come.

So New

I have been thinking up things to say for about 2 weeks now, but have not had the opporunity to write as I have not had internet access. Do you think I can remember any of it now? Plus I am on the floor, rather than typing comfortably in a chair, and it's hardwood. Ow.

So On May 23 we had our official move day, with the Kuchenmeister Four back in action for One Night Only. Ryan and his brothers and dad did all the heavy lifting and got us about 90% moved in. It doesn't really feel like our house yet. It doesn't smell like our house yet. Mostly, it smells of varnish and paint, but it just isn't there yet. I'm sure with time (and more dirty laundry, more about that) it will.

One of the hard things is going back to the condo to get the rest of our stuff. Yes, it's hard work, but really, it's the emotional stuff that's getting me. So many things happened at that house. I brought got married, brought home two babies, lost two more, had my dad there...many many happy memories. The condo served us well. It's just time now to move on.

I have the kids room almost done. The heinous green isn't so bad after all, with all the furniture and wall hangings. The colors matches perfectly and I'm actually glad I picked it. I need a shelf for Maddie, and some clean up stuff, but being in there makes me really happy.

We painted the front room and all the bedrooms, and then the family room. No carpet in there yet, hopefully this weekend. It's all coming together...

With the exception of the washing machine. We have had no washing abilities since we've moved in, due to a pump that needed to be put in to pump the water higher up to the septic. A $200 project we weren't anticipating. (isn't that always how it goes?) Ryan's working on it today, but I think he's secretly trying to find a way to keep me out of underwear.

I love watching my kids run around the yard. I almost would have just bought a yard. We've had a few bon fires (due to the massive amounts of pruning needed) and we have a great newly stained deck that the Kuchenmeister 3 reunited for (two days only, one rescheduled for rain). We have so much more work to do! But it's worth it, so far!

As usual, I feel slightly forelorn when a change come along. It's not that I don't want it. I begged for it! I guess I'm just always surprised when I get what I want. I hate feeling like even though I'm getting so much and have so many blessings, I want more. (cue Ariel: I want MOOOORRREE) I'm disappointed that another month has gone by and I'm not pregnant. These things are all good distractions, but now everyone's bumps are growing and I want one! I feel like a silly baby. How could I possibly be asking for something else? I guess God's timing is not my own. A lesson I still have to learn after all these years. I guess 'before' was not right, maybe these other amazing things would not have been put into play without the first step, however painful. I'm still working on my patience, obviously.

"Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he ever wanted!" "What happened?" "He lived happily ever after!"

nothing much, only EVERYTHING!

I have little time these days for much on the computer. A quick check here, a posted picture there. I supposed it's better that way. I can get sucked in, then get bored. I have often wondered if I have reached the end of the internet. I have so many other things to do. Like packing. And painting and cleaning and taking care of the kids and ... well, you get the drift.

I have been practically husbandless all week. Meeting, practices, concerts...all the week we are attempting to move. I shouldn't complain, I was aware of these things beforehand, but it still comes as a shock to have so much to do and so little help. MIL Cheryl took Ben up north for the week. She was bored, and he is busy, so she figured she'd kill two birds. I do miss him, but I think I may have killed him if he was alone with me all week. He is quite something sometimes, and he has a tendency to time it just right for when I'm about it lose it.
So I only have Maddie, who graduated from Preschool yesterday. I didn't cry as much as I thought, but in one song they sang "mom, oh mom, what would I do without YOU!" and that was it for me! I will miss her little class and all the nice moms and normal kids. We're not talking perfect. I mean normal in the crazy, having a bad day sometimes, why in the world did you do that? kinda kids. None of the moms were clique-y, though I think the one dad that dropped his son off was intimidated a little by all the estrogen. I'm glad that many of those kids will be in school with her in kindergarten.

We have the Solid Rock concert tomorrow. It's at the Emerald Theatre and its our rockin' church band. They're doing a mix of worship and rock tunes, so if you're interested, the doors are at 6 and the tickets are $10 at the door. All ages are welcome, in fact last year I took Ben! He was hilarious, playing drums on pop cans and cups with straws. This time he's missing it, but I can relax a little more, even with Maddie there!

WHEW!

As if buying/selling a house/condo wasn't enough, we've got a million other things going on.

This past friday was Sam's birthday, so Mom, Jim and I drove over to Grand Rapids for dinner at an awesome Tapas restaurant called SanChez. It was a long ride back and forth, but it was worth it. The food was amazing, I got to meet Sam's sisters, who will be my step-sisters in a few weeks. Everyone was really nice. I did have one problem, though. All three of the Postma girls are drop-dead gorgeous. Not fair. Creamy skin, high cheekbones, killer bodies. Smiles that light up a room. Could one of them be even a little frumpy? No. Not my luck. Could one be stuck up? No, sweet. ARG.

Saturday, I awoke bright and early to my little son who LOVES to wake his mamma. Even though I had gotten to sleep about 3am, he came up at 7:30. The day went downhill from there. Needed to go grocery shopping, mothers day shopping, returning some things. No energy, no money. I dragged myself around 2 grocery stores because I get meat and produce at one, everything else at the other. Ben wasn't very good, trying to get out of the cart multiple times, putting random things in the cart when I wasn't looking. Maddie had gone with my mom to hang out. Tried to exchange the things, none of the size I needed. Couldn't just get a store credit, have to wait for it in the mail. ~sigh~ Got to my moms to pick up Maddie and she says "we have a surprise for you". But it's not a good one. Maddie decided she wanted "medium" hair like me, mom, Kaya. So she cut it. Bangs, then a huge chunk out of the side/back. So I called Kaya's grandma, who has a salon, and asked her to help us. She came to our rescue and fixed it up, giving her layers to hide the damage. I don't have a problem with Maddie wanting shorter hair. Ryan does, but I think that it's her hair and if she wants it shorter, that's her prerogative. But I just wish she hadn't done it on a crappy day when I was hungry and exhausted. I was sad. She looks really old. But it does look pretty, she didn't do a bad job, no close-to-the-scalp cuts. She cut the really blonde part off, but the curls have returned more. It's more wavy, and that makes me happy.

Mothers day was not a huge deal. Ryan was gone for church, so I had to get myself and the kids ready. Our pastor asked who got breakfast in bed. HA! Then I drove home after church and prepped the shish kabobs and left again to go to Brio for lunch with the Kuchenmeister Clan. Good lunch, I had Risotto. Then back to our house, for a nap (which NEVER happens) and then I made dinner for Mom and the Trombley Clan. I told Ryan I was done with child activities and would be opting out of all motherly duties that evening. I did get something i wanted for Mothers day, hanging baskets for my new front porch. They are so pretty!

And one quick one about Ben

This afternoon, we went over to the new house to take out the carpet, tack strips, padding and other miscellaneous junk because tomorrow is garbage day. Ben followed us down the driveway with every trip and once on the way back, he fell and skinned his knee. He didn't cry, he rarely does when he gets hurt, but he said "OH my knee!" and continued on like nothing had happened. A few minutes later, we got into the car and he says, "Mommy? Put it back to-gether". I turned around to see him rubbing his little scrape, trying to put the skin over the injured part. Awww...

Then we were driving behind a big truck that had words on the back. Maddie starts reading them. "Kiss.... My.... Cown... no.. Country.... (Ryan starts talking loudly to her, but she is undeterred) ...Ass." Ryan and I look at each other, and she starts singing a song behind us. WHEW! we lucked out on that one! It's so much fun having a 4 year old that can read!

But I couldn't get a picture.

Maddie is starting to get embarrassed when we talk about her. I was relaying story to Ryan yesterday and she said "Mommy, don't ever tell daddy." She was singing a song on Disney Channel, a sad one about Pooh missing Christopher Robin. Then when the song was over she said "Oh, Spongebob, don't cry!" to the invisible Spongebob. I love living in Imaginationland.
This morning it was a shout, "Mom! Help Me! I'm Stuck!" I was downstairs and ran up to help her. I thought it was odd, because she wasn't crying, and she cries about everything. I ran up to the family room and she was standing under the window with the curtain twisted around her hair. She had twisted the curtain so many times that it grabbed a small section of her hair and she was trapped. I laughed so hard. She was standing there with a purple tornado on her head. I wanted to take a picture, but she wouldn't let me. I didn't want the Wrath of Maddie upon me.

I don't believe in the whole horoscope thing, but strangely enough, my "sign" does represent me a lot. I saw this article on babycenter and I thought it would be interesting. I didn't even have to read farther than the Title line when it came to comparing my sign and Maddie's: An Emotional Rollercoaster. hahahahahahaha!!! SO TRUE! And not surprising, it's also Sara's sign! Between Ryan and I, this is what it had to say : The key to working together as parent, in your case, will be accepting your differences gracefully. More laughter. This is very entertaining.

Bad day

Had a bad one with the kids... woke up at 5:30, never went back to sleep and fought all day with kids who got up at 6:45 instead of the usual 8 and 9. Mommy was cranky because she doesn't do well without sleep either, but the kids...I think I was speaking Chinese all day because they acted like they did not hear one word I said. I got tired of yelling and went to spanking. Do Not Pass GO, Do Not Collect $200. Do Not Call CPS Because You Said You Would Bash Your Daughters Face In. Right, I know. I didn't mean it and I was so mad I didn't know what I was saying. I couldn't reach her anyway. It just came out of my mouth. I'm not proud of my actions. I am proud of myself that when we got home, I laid down the law, doled out punishments just like I said I would (sometimes I threaten, but don't follow through), and then talked rationally, but firmly. After spanks aways come hugs. but not until they've had a few minutes to sink in :)
I still feel like crap. I feel ignored. I feel useless. I feel ineffective as a parent. I'm worn down, tired and tomorrow is going to start very soon and I'm not ready for it yet.

Ryan and I continued to paint this evening and as we were painting, Maddie and Ben were watching the BZZZ movie. That's Ben talk for The Bee movie. at the end, they sing "Here Comes The Sun. Maddie dances and sings, and felt a little better. This has been a long cold lonely winter. It does seem like years since it's been here, but it's coming and we'll all feel better with some sun shining on our faces.

I'm hoping tomorrow is a productive day. We want to move in next weekend, so we want to get as much done as possible. The hardwood floor guy is coming on Monday. I ripped up the carpet in the smallest bedroom and it already looks so good! I can't wait to be moved in. Ben can't either, apparently. Every time we leave in the evening, he complains about wanting to stay at the "Blue House". Our house is not blue. The paint was blue in the front room, but it's brown now. I think he misheard us say new house, but he's called it that since we went their the first time. I don't mind. I just am so happy that he is excited!

Painting Painting Painting

It's not so bad, except that I've got "helpers". We let Maddie help us prime, but Ryan is a paint Nazi (to put it nicely. He gets it from his mom) and he doesn't want to take the time to teach, he just wants them out.

Maddie's not bad, but Ben is another story. He grabbed a tiny roller and left the room being primed. Then he "helped" in the just-painted kids room and on the bathroom door, which was not being painted. I was in another room, So I cannot be blamed. Everything is fixable. The door washed off (thanks, Jim). Just adds more steps.

Then, I'm not sure about the colors I picked. I picked a bright green called "asparagus" for the kids to go along with some green in both of their blankets. I feel like I'm on the inside of a lime. I hope, with the blue carpet removed and the wood floor exposed, the furniture put back and stuff on the walls, it won't be so heinous. It's pretty bad right now.

The other color is called "burnt almond". It's kind of like a coffee with a lot of cream. I think it's too dark. I'm always second guessing myself. i just hope it's ok once we're done and our furniture is in place.

Everything has been going pretty smoothly. We borrowed some things from Ryan's mom for painting and she even gave us a few colors so we didn't have to buy as much. HUGE help. We're working really hard, but agreeing on everything, so it seems to be without the usual husband/wife (or is it just Ryan and Marie) stress and fighting. We're all so excited to move it, especially the kids. They don't want to go back to the condo each night, they want to stay there. Ben tells me thank you each time I tell him we're going to the "new house". Makes moving a whole lot easier when we're all in it together!

Working.

Both houses need work, Ryan has Meca, work, Solid Rock practices, People want my time and energy (and money) and I don't have any or it right now!

We're priming the walls in the new house, so we can get the hardwood refinished before we move in. We'll start painting soon. It already looks so much fresher. Hopefully, we'll be done by the end of the week and the floor guy can come beginning of next. I cleaned up all of the outside- leaves, sticks, stuff. Then it stormed and I have to do it all over again. I have two giant blisters and I'm waiting for them to heal before I can start again. Next time: gloves.

Plus, we're all sick. Sinus-y sneezy, couch type sick. We didn't go to our nephew/godson's birthday because we didn't want to share, but we did end up doing some work that day. Today I feel like I hit a wall. I am supposed to be packing, but I've decided not to do anything until later. I did the kitchen, bathed the kids...made a some phone calls. I've been productive!

I hate to complain becaause I asked for this. I didn't ask to be sick on top of it.

So much to do, so little time.

This past weekend we went with some friends to Boyne to hang out and go to the water park, Avalanche Bay. This is our second year, but this year we added a couple and their daughter. There were 8 adults and 5 kids, so the big people still outnumbered the little ones. We hung out on Friday, waiting for the Muellers to come, and Ben didn't feel good all day. He was feverish and lethargic. The he threw up in the evening after he had gone to sleep. Yuck. Lucky me, I woke up on water park day feeling crappy. I went for a while, but pretty much felt like crap, so I stayed in bed for round two. I'm so bummed I missed all the fun. Maddie went down all the big slides with Ryan and even the medium ones by herself! She went underwater, I watched her freak out a little, then realize it wasn't so bad, and she did it again! Ben was a little strange at first, he didn't even want to go in the water, but he loosened up and by the second round, they couldn't get him to come out! Last year he was a funny little fish who got mad at me when I went around the waterfall. I laid in bed, trying not to puke. Eh. We did have fun though, losta of Mario cart, a few card games, playing at the park, the flat tire on the way home. Yes, I said flat tire. Last year it was Jamie and Laura, who blew a tire near Saginaw and this year we're the big winners! Jamie and Laura were actually behind us, so they helped us out a little and had lunch with us while we waited for a new tire.

We are closing on our house tomorrow...I'm so nervous! We have everything set up and ready to go. I hope there isn't another setback. I've been calling everyone for quotes on carpet, floor refinishing, chimney cleaning, tree removal, cable, garbage...the list goes on and that's only what I did yesterday! I have to sit at the house from 12-4 on Friday to wait for the gas to be turned on. At least it's supposed to be 75! We can play in the yard! We have boxes all around us here, and I'm desperate just to get a few out of the way. A lady named Heather that works with Scott our realtor is coming Saturday to help us stage the condo, or at least tell us what to do when we're ready in a few weeks. I'm nervous about that, too, but hopefully we'll have some of this clutter out of the way!

Sweetness

Isn't it the best when your children do unexpected things? Like for instance this morning when Ben got up, he sat groggily on the couch rubbing his ears. I asked him if he wanted to snuggle, and he said no. A few minutes later I got up and went to the bathroom and when I came back, he was laying in my "spot", but right on the edge so I could fit on the inside. When we saw me, he grinned and said, "You go there mamma". Then he turned around and showered me with kisses.

Maddie is less obvious, but after scolding her this morning for trying to be sneaky, she squeezed me very tight and whispered "I'm so sorry mommy". Yes, I know it was a ploy to melt my heart, but it worked.

This is Maddie's current cuteness, which I discovered on a pad of paper. It is the first line to "our" song, that I wrote about a few weeks ago.

Hoo nows how lon I (heart) you

you now I (heart)

Who knows how long I've loved you

you know I love you still...

Easter

Something exciting just happened. This won't be exciting to any of you, but for me, it's super cool. I have the realtor website for our house bookmarked and I look at it every so often, just to see it, and to remember the measurements of the rooms. I just clicked on it and it says

"No Property with that ID"

Whoa. It's not on the website anymore. I know we haven't closed, but AWESOME!

We had the usual busy day with family and church. It was fun and we all ate too much. Eh. I do not have any pictures because my camera is at the shop being fixed :( Sure, buy a new house, holiday, vacation? Broken camera. Bummer. My kidlets were very cute in their matching outfits. Not too matchy but enough. Maddie had her hair in ringlets :) Ben wore a little pink tie. They ran around like crazies, but that's what they're supposed to do on Easter.

Inspection day

Our friend from church is an inspector and he's going today to look at the house. ! So we're getting closer. They (the bank) says they want to close on or before the 23rd! WOW! Even with all the waiting, this is happening really fast. Really I was just complaining about getting a house, and here we are. The house didn't even go into foreclosure until February, so if we had started looking earlier, it wouldn't have been there. I'm so excited.

Ben has a doctors appointment Thursday for a follow up on his blood work and stuff. I'm anxious to know what they found. On a good note, Ben peed on the potty 2 and a half times yesterday! The "half" come from he realized he was peeing, peed a little on the floor and sat on the potty, but with his underroo's on. He did get a bunch in the potty, bet we have to get the "get your roo's off first" thing down.

Today is Maddie's pretend birthday. She's got a July birthday so we're celebrating it at school today. In fact, I should be making cookies now :)

messing around

I've had this blog for a while now and never really tried to spruce it up. I did and I hated it. Then I couldn't figure out how to UNDO what I had done! It was exasperating! I finally figured it out and got it right.

I love this picture of Bennett, it conveys my life story. "Huh?"

Scott, our friend/realtor, got some word on the house, but it is neither good nor bad. They came back and said, "Sure, lets close!" but they did not ok any of our fixes to the purchase agreement! So. What does that mean? I'm glad Scott is working so diligently with us, or we'd sure be up a creek by now!

Past days.

I was supposed to write this post a few days ago, but I forgot and just remembered. I do that a lot!
One year ago yesterday was Maddie's First Flower Girl Experience. Otherwise known as Kristi and Andrew's wedding. It was a lot of planning and practicing and trying on the dress a hundred times, but it was so cute and so much fun. Liam (who by the way was born 7 months before Maddie, so I was wrong) was the flower boy (in Maddie's words) and we had a ton of fun. Especially the fire alarm at 7 am at the hotel :)

Two years ago March 27th was the date of my car accident that broke my arm. I remember thinking I would never feel normal again. That this time in my life was going to last forever and I would be in pain the rest of my life. It's amazing how those feeling fade away, isn't it? Now my only reminders are a zig-zag scar on my wrist and some weakness.

All things fade with time, be it a memory, a scar, grief. Some are slower than others, and some you are amazed you even forgot. In the day-to-day it seems so important, so relevant. But looking back, though the larger scope, that major event is hardly a blip.

I can sit here, close my eyes and lock this time into my memory. I've done it before...I remember one afternoon when I was 13, reading "A Tree Grows In Brooklyn" outside in the sun. I never wanted it end, it was so perfect. Another time, floating in a little boat with my dad fishing. Laying in my bed the night before my wedding, with my brothers on the floor, our last sleepover. Can I keep myself 13 that way? 22? Can I keep my kids 2 and 4? I can try!

A few funny things...

For those of you who care about funny kids stories, these are for you.

Many mornings I go downstairs to check my email and whatnot, and I shut the door so the munchkids don't follow me. The main reason is because Elijah is sleeping, but really I'd just like to think quietly for a few moments without being begged to play Oobie or Princesses. So I am sitting at the computer near the bottom of the step and I hear Maddie shout "Ben's got a knife!" Oh crap. I bolt up the stairs thinking,"Where'd he get a knife? I know I closed the gate to the kitchen!" I hear the clang of metal against carpet as I open the door. "BEN!" I see him sitting sheepishly on the floor, like, 'I didn't do anything'. "Why do you have a knife?!?"
"I want to cut sister's hair," he replies with a shrug. !!!

Next is Maddie who bowled for the very first time today and got a respectable 73. She did actually get higher, but the 2 spares she got didn't get recorded :(
Aunt Becca came over last night to pick up her phone charger that she had left the night before. Maddie says to me, "I want to make her a card!" So she starts working on it and Becca comes in.
Becca asks, "Whatcha making, Maddie?"
At this point, I know Maddie is thinking up something in her head. I was darn curious to see what she came up with. After a beat, Maddie says, "A Card"
"For who?"
A beat passes again. "Grammy."
I have just witnessed Maddie's first "tell a lie for the sake of a surprise". I was impressed at how smoothly she played it off! And a little scared! :)

These days

Now, as if I wasn't far enough behind, I have double to do. Not really surprised, getting a new house is time consuming, and a lot of work, and we had a bunch of work to do here as it was. But we'll deal with it when the time comes. First we need to close :). Then paint and flooring, which we discovered the other night the front room and bedrooms have hardwood. Bonus! For less than the cost of carpet, we can have it refinished and raise the value of the house. Now I have to figure out the other two rooms. Same with paint...what to do, what to do! Then we can move in pretty much. Here, at the condo, we need to patch some small dings, finish the bathrooms, maybe new floor in the kitchen.

My worries have gone into overdrive, I call Ryan every half hour about some what-if, and he talks me down. We talked to the neighbor the other night when we went and walked through again and he said it was an old lady who lived there for 35 years. New roof, water heater, septic within the last four years. Whew! That was a huge load off of our minds! Those are big things, and if we have a few years before we have to think of them, then great! One less worry for me! I do like it more having walked through a second time. I had a few things about it mixed up with some other houses we looked at, and it was better than what was in my head.

I've already started packing the things we don't use on a regular basis. Slow and steady keeps you sane, right?

For those keeping track, I've just been given the news of number 8 for the pregnant tally. Funny, Ryan had asked me if it was me plus two others that made "three" as in things happen in three's. HAHAHAHA! I was first and it brings the total to nine pregnancies, if only 8 babies. When I was pregnant with Maddie, there was NO ONE pregnant that I knew. With Ben, there were a few, Scarlet, Michael, but this is INSANE!

The Proud New Owners of 11935 Barbara Ann

I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. Last night, at quarter to 11 our friend/real estate agent Scott called us to say he JUST got an email saying we got the house. The other lady who was the agent for the house knew Friday, but didn't email Scott until SUNDAY NIGHT!

Now I'm in crazy mode, thinking about all the things that need to be done, things we want to do in the future, things we have to do to the condo to sell it.

I'm just so happy to have a yard! I want to say, "Go outside and play!" to my kids!

We're in for a lot of work, clean up and such, but since it's livable we won't have to do anything major to move in, just paint and flooring. OH MY GOSH! Thanks for everyone's prayers and good thoughts. I know it was my army who made this happen!

Stuff.

Once again, it's my turn to support. I don't mean that sarcastically, or spitefully. I knew it was coming. So now I have to figure out how to go about it.

On a different note but an update to an older post, I found the song I had been looking for for SO SO LONG. I had posted about a song that went "do do doo do do" a while ago and I thought I found it. This morning on the way to church, we were listening to "Beatle Brunch" as we always do. A song came on and my heart felt like it had dropped into my feet. "But", I thought, "I don't know this song!" But I did! I asked mom and she said he played it all the time. Anyway I listened (am listening) to the John Denver version and wow... THIS is it. I can hear my father singing this song to me. I feel almost relieved, like I had been waiting so long and I have finally found it, though it wasn't something I knew I was looking for.

Garden Ridge

a.k.a the most unusual conglomeration of things available at a store.

We've got....

Hats and bathing suits and sundresses and cookies and plants and sofas (Maddie, when did you start calling them "sofa's"?) and pictures and mirrors and books and party supplies and plastic totes and baskets and patio furniture and vases and toys and purses and stools and yoga mats and scrub and underwear and shoes (haa haa haa) WHEW a person could get lost in there!

It's kinda like Target with less organization.

We did buy a few things I needed, totes and a workout mat, for one (or two). I also bought a few thing I didn't need, a baseball picture for Ben and a wall hanger thing for both of them (for three).

You could wander in there for hours and not see everything. That is until your two-year-old starts throwing a fit about cookies.

Quick word

About stability ball class..

It was great! Hard, but different. Then I woke up yesterday with shooting pains up and down my arms. HOLY smokes! That ball is killer!

I'll go back anyway, though :)

Today

Though I feel the anxiety bubbling up just beneath the surface, I have made the determination to have a good day. Had some lost sleep last night, due to munchkins, but still I stand strong, energetic, motivated. I've gotta push through.

I'm going to a stability ball workout class, which I have never done before. I try to do Zumba twice a week for cardio, then one other class for toning. I just re-started my working out after surgery so I don't want to kill myself. I had been doing Zumba three times a week with a Iron-Yoga thrown in. I'd like to add an elliptical workout one day as well.

Tonight is small group, I forgot I wanted to make cinnimon rolls, but maybe I'll just get some at the store. Cheating, I know.

Ryan put a bid on the house yesterday. We will know in a few days whether or not it was accepted. I want to know NOW. I want to call the bank and politely request to push the paperwork through. I will be patient. I will be patient. I WILL be patient!!

Anxiety

I can handle stuff. I'm not stoic, or unfeeling, and I have my moments, but generally, I can get through without having a major meltdown. When I was pregnant with Bennett, I was riddled with this anxious fear that something was going to go wrong. I never felt that way with Maddie, and I chalked it up to hormones. Boy vs. girl. I don't even usually get PMS, so it was a crazy roller coaster time for me.

So why am I feeling this anxiety now? (I'm not pregnant). We're trying to put an offer on a house today and I'm freaking out. We've looked at a bunch of houses, we've been in this situation before, so why do I feel like I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for the bomb to drop?

I KNOW. I know that if we don't get this house, it wasn't meant to be. I am so clear on that. There are TONS of houses out there, and one has our name on it. Part of the problem is that Mr. Stoic Himself told me yesterday that he REALLY wants this house. Oh. So for a week you give me no indication that you are seriously interested, then you lay it on me? I'm the one who found the house, so I feel like I will be letting him down if we don't get it.

Last night while soaking I the tub I found a passage that fit pretty well. Daniel is trying to guess what Nebuchadnezzars dream was, so he goes to his friends and prays with them. God gives them the answer. So last night I put out a request on Facebook (what would we do without Facebook?) to my friends and asked them for help. In just a few minutes I got 7 replies. I need an army to help me out on this one!

Mercy

Yesterday was a bad mommy day. Like one for the books. I didn't beat them or neglect them, but they did every little thing possible to get on my nerves and do whatever I didn't want them to do. I lost it. More than once.

I should be patient. I should be loving. I should understand that my children are very small. I lost it. Maddie says I scare her when I scream. Instead of being shamed, I replied, 'If you'd listen to me, I wouldn't scream!' Great logic, huh?

So I resolved to be a better mommy today (real helpful when you don't fall asleep until 4am, then wake up 6 minutes later to a 4 year old wanting to snuggle). So I opened my Bible this morning after pouring cereal and read a few lines about going to God FIRST before you screw up so bad that you can't redeem yourself. Ah. Yesterday I should have put MYSELF in time out. Reflected. Relaxed. Talked with my little hellions and had a better day. Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe that should be Godsight. Anyway, while I was reading this, the light from the window was falling over my Bible and I realized it was a rainbow. To me, it meant God was giving me another chance. God's promise not to destroy the world again after he had already done so shows me even I get a second chance, and a third and so on. My kids still love me. God still loves me and hey, he's got a Son so he knows what I'm going through.

Rituals.

Long long ago when I was a new Mommy, I had a difficult baby in the sleeping department. She had to be held and rocked to sleep every night. And if we happened to wake her up while laying her down, we had to start the entire process over from scratch. I'm so glad we stuck to our guns back then, because she's such a good sleeper now.

Anyway, Way back in the olden days, we tried everything to get her to sleep. So I tried to think of some songs to sing. Hm. I seem to know NO nursery rhyme-type songs. On top of that, I'm not a very good singer. I know plenty of Dixie Chicks songs, but they aren't really conducive to sleep, more to dance. I remembered all the times with my dad, in the bedroom listening to him sing and play his guitar and wished for a recording. Bummer. But I also remembered a song he sang to us, and had sung to my mom, called "I Will" by the Beatles. Well, I can manage this! Short, right in my range, with the added family history! Awesome! So I've been singing it for 4.5 years now, to both of them. Even Ben knows some of the lyrics. Tonight Maddie asked me to print the lyrics so she could sing it in the microphone with Ryan, so I did, and Ryan requested the Tab. We sat in the music room and sang our song together.

It's really a good mommy/child song. Maddie loves the part where is says
"Love you whenever we're together, love you when we're apart"
and it's a true thing for us, a reminder that no matter where I am, I will love her (them). Another legacy from my dad, and so wonderful for our family.