Making my way back to Me

This last pregnancy dragged me to the depths.  I counted every second until he was born, and practically did nothing else.  Tick Tock. It consumed me.  Everything suffered. My children, my home, my relationships. I wasn't me.  I was The Incubator.  Don't get me wrong, My baby was one of the most important things on earth to me, but somewhere along the way I put Me down to carry the weight of the baby. 

Now that Owen is here, we've developed a routine and settled in, I need to find Me again.  This weekend, during a rare moment out with my husband he said he missed "You and Me".  I replied that I wasn't sure there was a Me anymore.  Then I decided to find Her.

This seems like a selfish attitude, but it's not. This is for him, for Maddie and Ben and Owen.  There's a book called "If Mama Goes South, We're All Going with Her", and thats what I feel has happened. I need to get back to the place where God intends me to be, on the ball, under control, able to cope.  I'm not there right now.

But I'm working on it.  I have never been a very motivated person.  Some would call me lazy.  But in my heart, I HATE having a messy house.  I just don't know where to start.  So Yesterday, I made a list (I love lists).  I worked hard and got most of my stuff done.  It also helped that the kids were angels.  I tried to give myself slack for not completing everything.  I do have a few (three) things that get in the way, and demand attention (every three hours for 25 minutes), so my conditions are not ideal.  I am Not Perfect.  I cannot Do Everything.  I will Stay Motivated.  (I need a Nap). 

I continued today and my kitchen is clean.  I give myself small goals, last week I tried to keep one side of my counter completely cleared off.  (not an easy feat, we have an insanely small area of counter space).  This week it's both sides of the sink.  I'm trying to keep the small counter cleaned off too, but I won't "require" it of myself for a few days.  It's clean now because of a party, and I'm trying to keep it that way. 

I'm also working on my body.  Three kids and stretchmarks up to my eyeballs later, I'm NOT happy.  Trying clothes on this weekend put me thisclose to tears.  Today is the first day of a new challenge for me.  But I have issues, nursing requires more calories,and any type of jumping is practically out of the question, unless I duct tape my breasts down.  Time is also an issue, chasing the big kids and having Owen gives me long enough to do about 7 minutes of anything.  But I'm gonna try, I'm gonna do my best.

Lastly, I'm focusing on my spirit.  Both my spiritual self, and the relationship with God, (which has also been lacking, though I do a LOT of praying right now) and my own spirit, who I  am.  I got a Kindle for my birthday, and I love it.  I am an information seeker. I read voraciously, and now is not the best time to have any time to fill the space.  I need to read.  Though I still love to hold the pages in my hand, smell the ink on the pages, the Kindle allows me to turn pages with one hand, balance it on my knee, hold my place.  In a few days, I've read a ton already, and feeling more stimulated by it. I can read 5 or 6 books at a time (as I am prone to do) and not chase them down when I want them. 

I have taken my Bible out of my car (for small group! I always forget it, so I leave it in there) and opened it up next to me.  Pastor Tim suggested Ps. 139 23-24, and I'm going to take it to heart, seeking to be led when He wants me to go. 

I worry that I'm trying to do too many things at once.  But I hope I can make it without getting too frustrated in the set-backs.  The timing is good; summer started, new year for me, I feel fresh.  Time to get started.