And Then I Consider...

He's a loving God, right? So why the hurt, the pain? I know Dad is in heaven, able to play his guitar well again (after a thumb accident left him not feeling much) waiting the split-second it takes to get us all there in eternity time. But down here, we ache. It's dulled, some. The hardest part for me is the fact that my kids would LOVE him. They are the exact kind of grandkids he'd want. Snuggly, fun, eager to learn new things and listen to music. Then he could send them home! All of my life, as far back as I could remember, I had this vision of me and my dad and my daughter on a little fishing boat. I think Maddie was hand-picked from him, a little sass, freckles, smart as a whip and a few things thrown in for spite :)

So we ask why. How was his time up at 43? Why did God decide it was more important for him to be there, instead of here?

I've though about it some. Mom thinks maybe He and Maddie couldn't be here at the same time. Dad was the glue of his family, and as steadfastly as he held it, there were issues beyond his control that were tearing it apart from the inside, from the past. His death has pushed some of those people away, maybe freeing them from their own personal pain and memories. But his family has become stronger, willing to extend an open hand to brothers and sisters who previously were behind solid walls. Even in death, the glue still remains strong, he is their link, their little (or big) brother always.

Since time has put space between us, we grow more and more able to accept, to love again. Especally when we thought we never could. mom initially said she would never get married again. I wasn't so sure, she gets lonely, even though she's quite happy by herself most of the time. But when the time arises, she needs someone to hold her and keep the fears at bay. For a few long years, it was me, and I was not sufficient. She has found someone who she can take care of in her way, and he can protect her from those things she battles. I've thought about his past. Rocky, at times unstable. But aren't we all? His darkest moments came just after Dawn, and Mom was his way out into the light. So, what would have happened to him if my dad was still around? Would he have been saved? I doubt it. He doesn't try, in any way, to replace my dad. He's scarily similar, without knowing that he's doing it. Upon getting to know him, my first reaction was in response to my children, who loved him immediately. The more he's around, the more I realize how genuine he is, how much he cares about us. The kids know Grandpa Don is in heaven, but they certainly can have fun with Papa Houligan here! I think he was another hand-picked from Dad. Lord knows how she could have found someone to put up with her!! (xox mom)

I used to think people got lonely in Heaven waiting for everyone to come. I didn't realize how many are already there, with open arms, and how short the time really is. I can feel him radiating dad/grandpa proudness on us.