I don't love my children any more or less than the other. True, I love them differently because they are different people, but I don't love them any AMOUNT different.
Discipline on the other hand is a more complicated issue.
Why do I shrink at the idea of punishing Ben, but almost feel better when I punish Maddie?
It's not something that is new. I have always felt a little satisfaction when I swat her behind, or pinch her bum. I always feel bad when I do the same to Ben. For both, I gather them in my arms and talk to them about it. But I feel this smug-ness after I punish her.
Do I feel she is intentionally choosing bad behavior? Mostly yes. I don't like to punish for accidents. Carelessness, maybe. She thinks it out, chooses the wrong thing. Ben's behavior is mostly tantrums, not hurting others (or taking away). I think I am to blame for some of these for not understanding.
This is not to say I don't discipline Ben. I spanked him at the store last week when he ran away three times. I try not to discipline (spank) in anger, but this time I had lost it. Mostly, I can grab him, hold on to him and figure out why he's flipping out. Maddie never really tantrum-ed out like Ben does. She was just intentionally bad.
Tonight she hit him for no apparent reason. She was pissed because he got to use the Wii wheel. She wanted him to play with a no-battery remote, like wee occasionally do. She flipped when he actually played for real.
I did not handle the discipline, which was a pinch. She said to Ryan "You hurt my feelings and my heart. You need to say you're sorry!"
This may seem cruel, but I have implemented a "do as you do" approach. If you hit Ben, I'm going to hit you. If you push him down, I'm going to push you down. So you know how it feels. I've only had to do it once or twice.
On the other hand, they are both very considerate of each other. Ben got a cookie today and insisted that sister have one too. At the dentist, Maddie picked out a Spiderman sticker for Ben. Why the polarization? Love/Hate. Pick one please so I know what to expect!
Someone I know actually had to bite her daughter to teach her to NOT do it. Nothing stopped her from biting other people until she got bit back.
ReplyDeleteI got spanked a lot as a child, so I think that's one reason that I'm not opposed to spanking as a discipline. So long as you don't lose your temper (just like you said), it can be quite effective. If my parents just gave me timeouts when I was younger, I never would have learned my lesson.
I agree, and Ryan and I both agreed that as long as they aren't being hit in anger, it's fitting if the behavior was warrented. Timeouts (in my opinion) don't usually work.
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